Alexander in the open 8 – Alexander hides his feelings.

On Monday night I ask Jay if he’d like to do something together tuesday afternoon as we both have an early finish. I really want to catch up I feel like we’ve not spent any time together since we became boyfriends.

“I’m sorry I’ve organized a study group. I wish you’d asked sooner.” Jay says.

“Well I did suggest it when we got our schedules, we just hadn’t organized anything.” I say.

“I forgot sorry.” Jay says.

“Can we meet after? I’d really like to catch up, I feel like we see each other less now we’re together.” I say.

“Sorry I’m meeting Eric for dinner. He doesn’t have much free time so we have to grab each other when we can.” Jay says.

I’m feeling pretty confused about the relationship with Jay and Peter. Neither of them seems to want to spend any time with me. There I was worrying I wouldn’t be able to give them both the time they wanted and it’s nothing like that.

Peter is watching TV with Brian and Jamie. I sit next to him on the sofa and he hugs me close. I watch for a while but it’s not my thing so I give up and head upstairs to take a long shower and early night.

I’m asleep before Peter and Jay come in. They wake me getting in to bed. I kiss them both goodnight and pull Peter into a big squeeze. I’ve missed him physically and although I’m too tired to do anything I need some affection from my man.

He squeezes me back for a while then turns to kiss Jay. I drift off to sleep waiting for him to turn back.

The next few days are the same, class, homework, rejection. By Friday night I’ve had enough.

“Peter you haven’t sent me those videos.” I say.

“Sorry I forgot. I’ve been thinking about it loads. Jay is going to visit Marlon in a couple of weeks. I think that would be a good time.” Peter says.

“You still want to?” I ask.

“Of course. Are you feeling unloved?” Peter asks.

“Yeah, you’re both too busy for me. You find loads of time for each other. I’m feeling really pushed out.” I admit.

“Baby I don’t want you to feel that way. I love you so much. I am just busy with classes, homework and my job and making an effort with Jay.” Peter says.

“You’ve made enough effort with Jay, I need you too. I miss you.” I say.

“I’m sorry baby. I promise to make time for you.” Peter says giving me a nice hug and kiss.

Of course just as its starting to feel like more than just kissing will happen Jay comes in and joins in. I try and stay involved but when Jay and Peter’s kisses start lasting several times longer than any with me I give up and leave.

I’m behaving like a jealous spoiled kid. No wonder they don’t want me.

That night in bed Peter makes more effort with me and tries to include me but Jay wants Peters cock and then it’s like I’m invisible. I need to man up and talk to them.

After classes I head to the tutoring center to sign up. I’ve not really found any clubs I want to join. Basically I’m just too scared. So I figure I’ll volunteer math tuition, at least I’ll meet new people and feel a bit more useful.

I want to get involved in student drama or film somehow but I’m aware it might be difficult. Eric and I are talking about collaborating on a piece for his midterm showcase, the theater students can use others from outside their major for direction and design. Still he is so bust it might not come off.

By 4 I’m all finished so I head over to meet Peter from class.

“Are you busy now?” I ask.

“I have a fair bit of homework to get started on but I’d like to spend some time with you first.” Peter replies.

“Lets go for coffee.” I say.

We walk hand in hand to a coffee cart and then take our drinks and sit on the lawn, it’s a nice day.

“How was class?” I ask.

“Hard and getting harder. I wish you were in it too.” Peter says.

“You’re smart. I bet you love it really.” I say.

“I do like the challenge sure but I’m finding this semester hard going already. It is exhausting staying focused. Especially with my family stuff going too.” Peter says.

“And me moaning and badgering you for attention isn’t helping. I’m sorry.” I say.

“I miss you too. Lets not waste time being down. Saturday night was so fun. We have to go again.” Peter says.

“Did you and Jay fuck in the restroom?” I ask.

“We knew you couldn’t risk being caught. It was fun, uncomfortable but hot.” Peter says grinning.

“How’s things with your parents?” I ask changing the subject, trying to hide my upset.

“Thawing I think. Mom is being great, I hate that we’re putting her in the middle. Dad is talking about me getting an apartment with Aaron. I told him he was insane and I’d rather drop out. That shocked him and he has backed off since. I get the feeling Dad has been mediating between Aaron and his Dad to get him back into school.” Peter says.

“That is so weird. Your Dad hated Aaron, perhaps blackmail strikes again.” I say.

“I asked him outright if Aaron had something on him. He said not and that he hated to see a bright guy throw his life away and how he’d hope someone would help if it was me.” Peter says.

“That’s nice of him. I suppose.” I say.

“I’ve missed talking to you just us like this. Don’t worry I love having Jay around too.” Peter says.

“I don’t.” I say.

“Don’t be silly. You love Jay a lot more than I do.” Peter says.

“I love you more and I miss you. I’m fucking sick of you minimizing my feelings and desires.” I say and storm off.

I can’t believe I just snapped like that especially as Peter told me he was struggling. I didn’t mean to add to his shit but I just can’t pretend to be happy. Now I’m missing out on my chance for alone time with Peter. I’m an idiot.

I get my bike and head home. I change and workout aggressively trying to work out my anger. When I’m done I stay in the basement to do my homework.

I’ve some mail from my publicist. She’s asking about pictures of me promoting the club. They’re just a few group shots of Saturday night. Apparently the club has used my name and picture in a promotional article in the local paper.

I let them know I’ve no problem with it and I signed a release for the pictures. They took good care of us, gave Eric a job and it’s good to support local business.

I contemplate sleeping on the sofa, but head upstairs.

Jay and Peter are on the bed clearly post coital.

“Sorry to be a broken record but this has to stop. You cannot keep excluding me like this.” I say.

“We weren’t excluding you. I was feeling down after our fight and Jay comforted me.” Peter says.

“And who will comfort me?”  I ask fighting back tears.

“Peter and I are catching up, we need to see each other as boyfriends, as partners for this to work. We need this time to work on our relationship. I already see you as a partner, so does Peter.” Jay says.

“I understand but I am tired of being left out. I’m tired of sounding like a whiny kid. I don’t know how to make you guys understand just how lonely and unhappy I am.” I say.

“You’re right, you sound like an annoying whiny kid almost every time we talk and it just isn’t attractive. I’m sorry if that hurts but for this to work you have to get out of your funk and make more effort.” Peter says.

I head to the dressing room and grab clothes for tomorrow and head down to Peter’s room to sleep.

I vow to stop complaining. I need to make an effort to be more fun and sexy. If Peter and Jay don’t find me attractive any more because I’m a boring complainer I need to work on that. I’ll stop pestering for attention and just get on with college life, let them come to me.

That’s what I do. I keep all conversation light and try and make jokes. I go to class, workout, do homework. I meet the guys for lunch, watch movies or play console games with Jamie and Brian. I don’t ask anything of Jay and Peter. And they ask nothing of me.

Friday Peter and I have a lab together. I sit with him and smile and get on with the tasks. We talk about the joint paper we need to write and make a plan to work on it at the weekend.

“What are you doing tonight?” Peter asks me.

“After this I’m meeting Barley to go over Wednesdays event. I’ve no plans for later.” I say.

“Bother. Jay and I are going to a movie straight after this. I hoped you’d come too.” Peter says.

“Have fun.” I say brightly.

Peter looks at me a little sad.

“Maybe you could meet us for dinner after?” Peter says.

“I’d like that. If it won’t be intruding on your date.” I say, okay that was a bit passive aggressive but my tongue is practically split in two from all biting on it I’ve been doing.

“Babe.” Peter says.

“Sorry. I’m really trying. Shall I book somewhere?” I ask.

“No, we’ll just go to the diner. I’ll message you when we are on our way.” Peter says.

“Okay.” I say. Finally he’s remembered I exist.

Barley is really excited about the event. It has sold out and I’m feeling pressure to be interesting.

“Honestly it’ll be fine. We’ve gone over my questions. People from the society are submitting questions for the q and a and then we’ll open to the floor. It’ll be fine. No need to feel nervous.” Barley says.

“I’m not nervous, I can handle public speaking no problem. I just worry about disappointing people who have paid good money.” I say.

“People just want to say they were there, they’ll enjoy it whatever you say. And others will bitch and moan about it being a rip off or that you’re not hot in person or whatever.” Barley says.

“Are you calling me ugly?” I joke.

“Utterly disgusting, I can barely look at you.” Barley laughs.

“Back at ya. How do you want me dressed? Smart or are jeans okay?” I ask.

“Well the audience would prefer nude, or as little as possible. I’ll be dressed quite smart, it would be nice if you did too.” Barley says.

“Sounds good. I’ll save nude for the after party.” I say.

“You’ll be coming?” Barley says.

“Sure, I’m looking forward to it.” I say.

We chat a while longer. I really enjoy getting to know Barley, he’s smart and funny and to be honest it’s nice to chat with someone about things other than my relationship or classes. It reminds me I need to make more effort with Eric, Jamie and Brian. I’ve been so insular recently. Just because Peter and Jay don’t want to spend time with me doesn’t mean the rest of my friends don’t.

I head to the library rather than home so that I’m closer to the diner. I get a lot of work done. Other than the paper I’m doing with Peter I think I’ll be able to relax for the weekend.

As I wait for Peter to contact me I get a bit restless, obsessively checking my phone. The movie must have finished by now, I check listings and anything they went to straight from school would have finished an hour or more ago.

I pack up my things and head outside to call Peter.

“Hey Peter, where are you?” I ask.

“At home, where are you?” Peter ask.

“School. I’ll come home now.” I say.

On the ride home I replay my earlier conversation with Peter over and over in my head. I don’t think there is any way I misinterpreted it. I’m trying so hard to be low maintenance so I don’t want to make too much of a big deal of this but I don’t know how much more hurt I can deal with.

At home Peter and Jay are snuggled up on the sofa and Brian is in Blondies lap on a chair, they’re all watching a tv show that I’m not too keen on.

I give Peter a mean look. He looks back and mouths sorry.

“We ran into these guys after the film and decided to eat here because Blondie had this boxset to watch.” Peter says.

The others shush him. I retreat to my usual workout to try and calm down. I’m on the treadmill crying my eyes out. I decide to keep up with being undemanding until the weekend alone with Peter. If things are not better after that then I’ll tell them I’m done.

I can manage three more weeks. I can’t give up yet if I want to keep them in my life and it might get better soon. I just need to get some one on one time with each of them. Remind them that they love me.

Feeling better I use the basement shower and head up to bed. Peter comes in a few minutes later.

“You okay baby?” Peter asks.

“Yeah just tired.” I say.

“Not too tired I hope.” Peter says.

“Come here sexy.” I say.

We start kissing and I pull Peters top off, I am so hungry for him. I run my hands all over his torso and marvel at what I’m feeling.

“You’re looking amazing.” I say.

“You too babe, I love you still have your tan. Look so good.” Peter says making my heart swell.

I unbutton his jeans and he slips them off. I greedily start licking his cock, sucking his balls in turn groaning as I fill my mouth with my man. I lick his shaft all over and suck on his head. I am so turned on.

“Oh baby its been too long. Don’t stop.” Peter groans, running his hands through my hair.

We kiss again for a few minutes then I go back to his cock. I hold it up admiring how shiny it is with my spit and his precum. As I do Jay walks in.

“Wow, so hot I need to ride that.” Jay says pulling his clothes off and diving on to the bed and putting a condom on Peter.

It happens so fast I’m shocked. Am I meant to call shotgun on Peters cock now? Could Jay not see we were in the middle of something? I move out the way and try kissing Peter as he’s being ridden but I’m just not into it any more. Even the sight of Jay stroking himself as he rides which would usually send me wild isn’t doing it for me. I carry on kissing Peter enjoying the closeness at least. Until Jay leans in to kiss him. I keep rubbing Peter’s chest and try rubbing Jays back but it feels too fake so I back off and pretend I’m watching them.

“I’ve been waiting all night for that.” Jay says lying on his back grinning and panting.

“I’d been waiting weeks.” I mumble and turn my back on them so they don’t see the tears.

Peter spoons in behind me and holds me close,  he squeezes me and kisses my ear then wipes the tears from my cheeks.

“It’s okay.” I whisper back. I take a deep breath and calm myself, I pull Peters arms round me and hold them tight.

“I love you so much.” Peter whispers.

He carries on whispering I love you  and holding me until I sleep.

In the morning I wake to an empty bed, I realise it’s late. I pull on some shorts and head to the kitchen for coffee.

Peter and Jay are eating breakfast.

“Hey sleepy. Sorry for leaving you alone, you did not want to wake up.” Peter says grinning.

“That’s okay I was really tired.” I say.

“Want some eggs?” Peter asks.

I screw up my nose.

“No just coffee, can’t face food my stomach feels off.” I say feeling pretty unwell after saying it out loud.

“Did you eat something dodgy last night?” Jay asks.

“No I didn’t have any dinner. I had plans to meet my boyfriends but they blew me off.” I say bitterly. So much for being easy going.

Peter gives me his worried look.

“You have to have something, you have to eat with your pills.” Peter says sternly.

“I know. I’ll have a cracker with it.” I say.

“We should do something together today.” Says Jay brightly.

“Sure. Peter and I were going to work on our paper but we can do that tomorrow.” I say.

“Uh I’ve plans tomorrow. I’m doing a bike ride with Brian and Jamie. I’d cancel but we’ve been planning it for ages and I don’t want to let them down.” Peter says.

“Sorry Jay we really have to get this written. We could go out for dinner or something tonight once we’re done.” I say.

“When is it due?” Jay asks.

“Thursday.” Peter says.

“So you have ages. I need to go shopping lets go to the mall.” Jay says.

“Are you free Tuesday evening to get it done? Feels like we’re leaving it late, given we’re busy Wednesday.” I say.

“God you are such a nerd. Pull an all nighter like a normal student. Come on go and get ready.” Jay says.

“No Jay. I promised Alexander we’d get it done today. We’ll go out tonight.” Peter says.

“This relationship won’t work if we don’t make time to do things together.” Jay says.

I bite my tongue to stop myself telling Jay what I really think.

“Schoolwork has to come ahead of our relationship. We blew our chance to spend yesterday evening with Alexander, its not his fault we’re not doing things together.” Peter says.

I’m in shock. Delighted he’s finally sticking up for me. For once Peter is choosing me.

“Okay. Can I borrow the car then?” Jay asks.

I nod, Peter hands him his keys and Jay kisses us both goodbye.

“I’ll go shower and dress then we can get started.” I say.

“Wait. Eat and take your pill first. Can we talk about last night?” Peter asks.

I do what he wants and grab a banana and my pill.

“Is that better?” I ask.

He laughs and cuddles me and tries to eat my neck.

“I am really sorry about last night, forgetting you was so stupid of me. I guess I just thought you’d be here when we got back, I should have realized you’d be at school.” Peter says.

“It’s okay. I got all my work done and finished off my research for this and typed up our lab results properly so this won’t take long. I kind of feel bad blowing Jay off as we’ll be done quickly but I wanted some us time.” I say.

“Plus you would never voluntarily go to the mall on a Saturday.” Peter says.

“Nor would you. I didn’t think of Jay as a shopper either but I guess he was usually broke last year.” I say.

“Yeah, he sold that bag Blair gave him so he’s pretty flush.” Peter says.

I kiss Peter long and hard. I’m rewarded with a big squeeze and lots of sloppy kissing from him. I grab his ass and grind my hard cock into his.

“Mmmmm we best stop there else we will be in bed all day.” Peter says pulling away.

I shower and bring our laptops downstairs. We work at the table together. Jamie, Brian and Eric are in and out so we get a bit distracted but eventually we’re happy with our work.

“Lets go upstairs.” Peter says.

“Really?” I say.

“You horn dog. Not for that I just want some privacy to talk some more about last night.” Peter says.

I nod and head upstairs.

“What is it? I thought we already talked about last night.” I say.

“We talked about dinner but not about what happened in bed.” Peter says.

“It’s fine. You got a better offer, I need to get over myself.” I say.

“Is that really how you see it?” Peter asks.

“It happened. Am I happy? No of course not but we can’t change it now.” I say.

“I hate that I upset you that much. I guess I’m lucky you’re still talking to me at all.” Peter says.

“I’m over it. I’m trying to be what you want me to be but I guess the sheer desperation is as much of a turn off as the whining.” I say.

“If it helps it was a wakeup call for me. You were right that we’ve pushed you out. I thought what Jay did would turn you on, it was only when it was over I realized you felt replaced.” Peter says.

“It would normally turn me on. It was hot. Just not what I wanted last night.” I say.

“You scared me. I was worried you were going to be like you were last winter.” Peter says.

“What? I just cried.” I say.

“It just reminded me of then. I will never let you get that bad again and I’m sorry baby. I’m so sorry.” Peter says and starts to cry.

I hold him and kiss his tears away.

“We’re a pathetic pair. Lets go to the club tonight, see Eric shake his ass, dance our tits off.” I say.

“Yeah sounds good.” Peter says.

So we do. We dance the night away. No special treatment this time. Just the three of us hanging out and letting loose.

We bump into Felix and Grey, they’re a couple now. I’m so excited for Felix. He’s been so much nicer recently and I’m really glad he’s found someone.

On Sunday I sleep for most of the day. Peter is out on his bike ride. Mid-afternoon I finally venture out of bed. Jay is doing homework and I sit reading next to him. It feels almost normal. It’s good.

Tuesday afternoon I head to the tutoring center for my first session.

“Hey are you Paul? I’m Alexander, you need some help with math?” I ask.

My first student is cute, really cute, he’s tall, taller than me maybe 6’6 and so much broader. He’s African American and has mostly shaved hair. Huge brown eyes and a big smile.

“Yeah, I’m behind already. I didn’t do any math my last year of high school and put this class off for a year. I’m just so rusty, I’m really not a numbers guy.” Paul says.

We work through what he should have covered and I move maybe a bit too quickly to start with but he makes me slow down and we find a rhythm.

“Same time next week?” I ask.

“Yes. I think we’re going to get on fine. I feel so stupid sometimes, I’m on the football team and I’m adjusting to fitting in homework with training and travel as I’m starting this year. I’m smart, I mean I had the test scores to get in here on merit but I’m struggling to balance everything properly. My Dad really wanted me to come here, I was recruited by some of the big schools and maybe that would have been the easier but my Dad has supported me and he coached me and got me here. I had to do what he wanted when I was offered a place here.” Paul says.

“I can imagine your schedule is crazy. I hope this helps.” I say.

“Yeah. Hey good luck tomorrow. I saw your picture on the posters.” Paul says.

“Thanks.” I say.

I head home feeling good.

Give it to me

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s