I look at the beautiful man before me. The man who I have loved for almost a year, who changed my life in so many ways. I need him, want him, so much right now. I know I shouldn’t. I know this is giving me hope.
“Come here.” I say.
Peter walks towards me, his lips hit mine and he keeps pushing until we’re on the bed kissing so hard it hurts but we can’t stop. I’m pulling his clothes off and trying to kiss his chest and stomach but he pushes me back and undresses me.
“You’re mine tonight. I’m here to make you feel good.” Peter says.
We strip each other off and Peter pushes me back down. He goes crazy kissing me from head to toe.
“It’s been way too long. Fuck I’ve missed you.” Peter says kneeling at the end of the bed looking at me.
I pull him down to kiss me.
“I missed you too.” I admit quietly as I kiss his neck.
“I missed my ass.” Peter says rolling me on top of him and kneading my cheeks.
I wriggle against him laughing.
I love that he’s making me laugh, that he’s taking charge and that he wants me just for me.
As he fucks me I block out the madness of the day and concentrate on him.
“You feel amazing.” I moan.
“You are so tight. Feels too good.” Peter says gruffly.
We moan and grunt and kiss until I’m making a mess all over myself and Peter pulls out to cover the rest of my stomach.
“You’re too good to me.” I say.
“You’re amazing, that was great.” Peter says.
We lie together a while. I’m exhausted. Peter cleans me up as I’m drifting off to sleep.
In the morning I wake holding him.
“Last night was so good. We should get back together.” Peter says.
“I just broke up with Casey yesterday. You knew this was a one off.” I say annoyed.
“I want you back. We’re still great together. You need someone like me, someone you can trust not to use you like Casey tried to.” Peter says.
“Great. I’m stuck with you because I’m such a poor judge of character I’ll never find anyone who doesn’t want to cash in on me. Never mind how much you hurt me.” I grumble.
“I’d never hurt you again. You need to give me another chance.” Peter says.
“No I don’t. I gave you the chance to fix it when we were together but you didn’t want to. I know that I need to stop having sex with you, that I’m not helping you move on. I really enjoyed last night but it was just physical. There is no hope for us getting back together. I do not want to be with you, I don’t want to be your boyfriend and even if I did still have feelings for you, I wouldn’t get back with you, I don’t want a long distance relationship again.” I say.
“Last night wasn’t just physical. You’re lying to yourself. You still love me.” Peter says angrily.
“Think what you will, I needed comfort and you provided it. I never promised anything more.” I say.
I’m in a hellish mood. I get up and shower, leaving Peter in bed. I grab my stuff and head to the pool. It’s too cold for a run.
I swim for a long time. I’ve not swum much recently but once my body snaps back into the rhythm it feels really good and my head soon clears.
I need to put me first, I have finals then filming. I’ve no time or reason to deal with Peter.
After my swim I head to a coffee place near campus to warm up.
Barley and Patrick are there watching an open mic event so I join them.
“I hear you two are joining us for spring break. I’m surprised you’re not going with your group.” I say.
“We want a stress free trip, no worrying about anyone else’s good time. It’s our last spring break and we want it to be hassle free.” Barley says.
“Plus you guys are all hot. Nice eye candy in the sunshine. It’ll be so much fun.” Patrick adds.
“I worry with all the breakups in my group that it’ll be a bit too much drama.” I say.
“Your guy’s drama we can cope with. It’s easy to watch from afar.” Barley says.
“Where is Casey today? We’ve not seen you alone in forever.” Patrick says.
“We’re done. Yesterday.” I say.
“Shit, I’m sorry. You seemed solid together.” Barley says.
“I thought we were doing okay. It wasn’t some great love but I really enjoyed his company.” I say.
“I’m sorry, still you’re about to head off to California for a while, be nice for you to be able to date cute guys away from school.” Barley says.
“Yeah. I need to get out there and have fun.” I say.
“So go have fun. We want to hear all about it. We’re happily monogamous but love to hear about everyone else being slutty.” Patrick says.
We all laugh.
At home Harry, Eric and Jay are watching TV. It’s snowing.
“Not working tonight?” I ask Eric.
“No. I’ve quit, at least until after filming anyway. I’ve too much on at school and getting ready for the film.” Eric says.
“Plus I would get jealous of guys feeling him up all the time.” Harry says.
“So you are together?” I ask.
“We’re taking it slowly. Doesn’t stop me getting jealous, I always did. That’s partly why Bobbie finally ended things.” Harry says.
“I’m sorry you two split. That sounds weird when I’m Eric’s friend. But I mean it’s sad to say goodbye to something long term.” I say as Peter walks in.
“I’m glad he made the decision for me. We’d been having trouble for a while and I was just feeling too guilty to end things. I felt like I’d stolen Eric from Bobbie. Of course Eric tried to steal Bobbie from me first.” Harry says with no malice.
“I was a nightmare this summer, to you, to Jay, to Alexander. I’ve sorted myself out now though. I feel guilty too. I thought what I had with Bobbie was special, real but it was just lust. Harry was amazing giving us our space to work it out. I think that is why I fell for him, the way he dealt with everything.” Eric says.
“Then we had our own period of lust, which Bobbie handled pretty well. I think he felt he had to accept it. But at some point everything changed. I really hope things work out between us but given how we started we’re both being really cautious.” Harry says.
Eric is looking at him adoringly. I’m glad my friends seem to be starting on something really special.
Peter has sat on the arm of the chair I’m in and put his arm around me. I was so busy listening to Harry and Eric I didn’t notice.
I stand up and offer to get drinks for everyone. Jay follows me into the kitchen.
“You two back together?” Jay asks.
“No. Last night was a total mistake. I should never have used him like that.” I say.
“I’m sure he was willing. I know he was, we both were. I was kind of disappointed you didn’t choose me.” Jay says.
“I needed a pounding.” I grin.
“Well if you need anything else I’m here.” Jay says and hugs me.
“Thanks but I’m going to steer clear of both of you going forward. Let’s get finals done then we’re off to LA, I cannot be sleeping with my assistant.” I say laughing.
“Okay that is fair. I cannot wait to leave this snow and cold for the sunshine.” Jay says.
“Totally. I hope you’ve found us a great place to live.” I say.
“Uh its more functional than anything I’m afraid.” Jay says.
“That is perfect, as long as it’s a short commute that’s the main thing.” I say.
“Oh yes. It’s not like you’ll be there for more than sleeping.” Jay says as we carry the drinks through to the others.
We pass things out and I sit well away from Peter.
“You can stay in my room a while if no one objects. Brian’s bed is still in there.” Jay says to Harry
“Fine with me.” Says Peter.
“We best check with Jamie. Given I wouldn’t let Felix move in.” I say.
“Oh please, Felix lives here. He might hide in Jamie’s room but he’s here every night.” Jay says,
“Is it a problem?” I ask.
“No, I kind of wish he didn’t sneak around to be honest.” Jay says
“What are everyone’s Christmas plans?” I ask.
“Going home, then I might come out to LA for a bit, if you guys have room.” Harry says.
“Same, I come out to LA on the 26th. Everything is in place with car hire and the apartment for us all when you get there, I’m sure you’ll manage the first week without me.” Jay says.
I nod and smile.
“I’m going home for the week, then fly out on the 26th. I’m not needed until the 28th but Blair said to be around just in case.” Eric says.
“Wait, you’re having Christmas alone again?” Peter asks.
“It’s just another day. I pretty much have the week off and I’ll be happy to have some downtime. I have rehearsal on the 26th so I can’t go anywhere anyway.” I say.
“But you’ve not had Christmas in 3 years. Have you celebrated your birthday since you lost your Dad? When was the last time you got a gift?” Peter says
Everyone is looking uncomfortable
“My car was a gift, your Dad bought me a bike and Abigail gave me the teapots. It’s not like I need anything anyway.” I say.
“It feels wrong to me. Being alone for the holidays last year really messed you up.” Peter says quietly.
I’m massively uncomfortable. I don’t want to talk about this in front of everyone. I’ve been well for long enough now that Peter bringing it up makes me feel shit.
“Well I can’t live my life according to what you want. I have to work early on the 26th. Spending Christmas anywhere that isn’t LA makes no sense. So I’ll be alone and I’m okay with that.” I say.
Peter walks out the room not looking at me.
“You can come with me and Mom but you’d have to fly back on the 25th.” Eric says.
“Thanks you offered before but I don’t want to spend the time travelling. I’ll need the rest. I’ll be fine. It is not like last year at all.” I say.
“Are you and Peter okay?” Jay asks.
“Not really. I was pretty mean to him this morning. I best go talk to him.” I say and head upstairs
“Can I come in?” I ask Peter.
“Yeah.” Peter replies.
“I get that you care. I appreciate it, I really do. But how I spend my time and who I spend it with is of your business. Even if we were still together I would be choosing to spend the holidays none
alone I cannot be dealing with you making me feel bad about my career choices right now. I just went through a break-up, we have finals which I have to ace to be here next semester. I cannot deal with your issues and overstepping right now.” I say.
“Wow. So the last year really means nothing to you. I nursed you and cared for you and helped you get back on your feet and yet it’s none of my business that you are torturing yourself in the same way all over again.” Peter says getting angrier and angrier.
“I didn’t ask you to. If you hadn’t stolen Jay from me and stolen my dorm room maybe I’d have had had the strength to face the holidays alone. Maybe I wouldn’t have needed so much looking after.” I say.
I head up to my room and go to bed angry again.
The next morning I repeat my swim of the day before then study in the library. Determined to focus and get through finals without distractions from guys.
At home Felix and Jamie are in the kitchen.
“Felix the others think you should stop sneaking around and pretending you’re not living here.” I say.
“Ahh I like being Jamie’s little secret.” Felix laughs.
“We meant to talk to you. We’ve got a good dorm room together for next semester. I’ve loved living here but we think this is best. It’s in a senior dorm and it’s a pretty cool room.” Jamie says.
“I’m sad for me and happy for you guys.” I say.
In my room Peter has fallen asleep on my bed. He looks to cute to be angry with any more. Feeling a
little sleepy myself I spoon in behind him and drop off.
He wakes me shortly after with a sweet kiss.
“Nice wake up.” I say before I think.
“Could be yours every day.” Peter says.
“Were you waiting for me?” I ask.
“Yeah your phone was off or you’ve blocked me.” Peter says.
“I was swimming then at the library. It was off. It’s still off. What’s up?” I ask.
“Just wanted to talk. Wanted to see if you were mad at me, if you really blame me.” Peter says.
“I do some. Last year was hard and you made it harder. But you made this year so much better. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I did you and never felt so loved. You were everything to me.” I say.
“But not now.” Peter says quietly.
“No, not now. I’m not in love with you. I’ve moved on. You need to get over it and move on too.” I say.
“I just can’t. We were great together and I messed up, I need you to let me make it better. It was too good to throw away. We went through too much. I’m the only one who really understands you and I’ll never find anyone who understands me like you do. You know I’m sorry. You know I wouldn’t fuck up again, you would always be my top priority. We have to get back together. We have to.” Peter pleads.
“No we don’t. You didn’t just slip up a little bit. You replaced me and didn’t even bother to fight for me. We were great together, amazing and no I can’t imagine having or good times again with anyone. But you threw it away not me. You chose to try with Jay and not fight for me. You did this. It’s too late now. I don’t love you. I won’t love you. I can’t let myself love you again. It would be so easy to take you back but I would hate myself for it.” I shout.
“If I’m such a bad guy, if what I did was so unforgivable why did you turn to me on Friday? Not just Friday but right after the breakup we were talking friend with benefits. What’s changed, why has it become so much bigger a deal?” Peter spits back.
“I was weak. I turn to you for physical comfort because we’re great in bed together. It’s not like you didn’t want it to happen. You were touching me constantly from the moment Casey left. You couldn’t wait to have me. I was stupid, I thought having you make me feel good was a good idea. It wasn’t it was totally fucked up. I wish I’d been stronger. I wish we’d never had that date and been together when you were with Jay. I wish that we hadn’t had any of those one last times, because everyone made me more like you and I’d hate to be you.” I shout.
“So you don’t even want to be friends? Do you really have so many you can afford to lose me? You’re alone Alexander, you’re right back where you were a year ago, alone. Everyone leaves you because you’re cold. You think you’re so great but you’re not. You’re a cold slab of marble who has no idea how to love. No idea how to have friends without buying them. No one is here for you Alexander, everyone is here for what they can get. Brian left, Jamie is leaving. Eric and Jay only stay because they want to keep their jobs. You’re a fucking creepy loser.” Peter says calmly and leaves.
He’s angry, I’m angry. He’s not wrong, everyone leaves me or I push them away.
I push everything Peter said out of my mind and get on with finals. I don’t really see or speak to anyone at home, keeping myself out the way.
Peter and I see each other in the exams we have together but we don’t speak. We somehow manage not to arrive home together. I hate how things are between us. I can’t tell him the truth, I can’t tell him I’m still crazy in love with him, that it takes all my energy not to go to his room every night.
It’s easier this way, if he hates me, if we avoid each other. He’ll find someone new, he’ll find the right guy for him, someone better for him, much better for him than me.
I’m done with finals, packing for LA and running lines with myself when Jay comes in.
“Hey stranger. Need any help packing?” Jay asks.
“No I’m almost done. Thanks for arranging everything at the other end.” I say.
“Well with Mart and John travelling I needed somewhere to live anyway. Easiest with us all together. I warn you it is not a fancy place it’s pretty basic.” Jay says.
“I’m sure it’ll be fine. I’ll be working a lot and there will be parties. We won’t be home much.” I say.
“Any chance of you seeing Phil or Robbie and Dan for Christmas?” Jay asks.
“No, I’m seeing them all for lunch Tuesday but then they’re all off to see family.” I say.
“You will be okay? On your own I mean.” Jay asks.
“I’ll be fine, you guys will be with me soon enough.” I say.
“I’m really excited, are you sure I’ll be allowed on set and everything?” Jay asks.
“Yes of course and this will be a lot more fun to see than my last film.” I say.
“Cool. I’m glad we’ll be spending time together too. As friends. I’m really glad we’re friends right now.” Jay says.
“Me too.” I say.
“Do you think you and Peter will be friends again? I thought the two of you were doing really well, what happened?” Jay asks.
“We fought over getting back together. It’ll be easier for us to not be friends I think. Not for a good while.” I say.
“He misses you a lot.” Jay says.
“He’ll be fine. He always is.” I say.
That evening I say goodbye to Jamie and Felix and to Eric. In the morning Jay and I share a cab to the airport as our flights are at similar times.
“See you in a week. Have a fun Christmas.” I say and head of to the sunshine.