On Thursday I wake early, I know it’s the anticipation of seeing Peter later. It was so weird we didn’t speak on Monday. Jay stirs and starts pushing up against me. We make love quickly on our sides.
Jay’s a pretty demanding guy to date. He wants a lot of sex which is great but the constant neediness for texts and calls during the day is already grating on me. I wish he was more like he was in LA, all his own man, in control, leading not following, it was much sexier.
We shower together and it’s nice, I love washing him and being washed. In bed and getting ready together are the times I feel most connected to him.
Jay and I meet again at lunch. He seems pretty quiet.
“What’s up?” I ask.
“I don’t know. I’m a bit stressed I guess, trying to organize spring break stuff. You’ve not seemed interested.” Jay says.
“What is there to organize? The house is booked, flights are booked. What else needs doing?” I ask.
“You know researching clubs and bars and places to eat. I also have to get the money from everyone for the house, find out who is due to arrive first so they can collect the keys. Just loads of little things.” Jay says.
“I can’t help by magic. If you need something doing you need to ask me. But to be honest I’m swamped trying to catch up, and I’m happy to just wing it when we get there.” I say.
“You never care about things that are important to me.” Jay whines.
“Like what? I’m going on this trip for you and I’ve not complained. What else am I getting wrong?” I ask seriously annoyed.
“Everything, you barely ask how I’m doing, we only see each other in bed. You never message me first, you tell me you’re doing things instead of checking if I have plans.” Jay moans on.
“What? Like going to the gym tonight? Is that not allowed? I’ll be an hour or so. I’ve said you should take the car.” I say.
“You’ve organised study sessions next week too. And you and Eric are working on your plays.” Jay moans on and on. I’m seriously losing patience.
“I’ve missed 3 weeks, I need to study, I need to get class notes and find people to pair with for projects, convince them I’m not some Hollywood slacker. It is hard. I’ve been back less than a week and things are full on. It is not my fault that you don’t have a life.” I say meanly.
“What does that mean?” Jay asks looking broken.
“If you had a hobby or joined more clubs you wouldn’t be so focused on me. Well have weekends together. Believe me I want to spend time with you but it is not the only thing I want to do.” I say exasperated.
“I should come first though. You seem to be fitting me in not making me the priority.” Jay says.
“My studies are my priority right now. I am struggling right now and you’re being so demanding about ridiculous things that I’m tuning you out. I’m sorry. I will spend some time with you on Saturday to sort out spring break and we can do whatever you want Saturday night.” I say trying to placate him and end this fight before my head explodes.
“I’m sorry. It was shit here without you and I feel like we’re struggling to connect since you got back.” Jay says.
“I know. I’m sorry.” I say and kiss him quickly on the cheek.
“Heartless dreamkiller.” Some random girl shouts at us.
We look at each other and laugh so much.
“So that is what a Max fan looks like?” I ask giggling.
“I’m sure he’d be delighted. Did you see his latest article, how he’s so sorry and embarrassed and how you’re still his dream guy and he’s waiting for you.” Jay says grinning.
“No, please tell me it’s not that bad.” I say.
“Oh he’s totally delusional. I’ll get you a copy.” Jay says.
We kiss again and go our separate ways. Jay to class me to the library. I have a couple of hours free before my class with Peter.
As I sit trying to plan my work for the semester I get more and more frustrated about the trip for spring break. I could really use that week to get ahead. Given how clingy Jay is being already I doubt I’ll get away with sending him to the beach wile I study. I still don’t really get why it appears I have to do all the work on the relationship and Jay does all the complaining. I’m really trying, I don’t like not feeling good enough.
I get to class before Peter. I’m twitchy about seeing him, not exactly excited, just anxious. Will he speak to me today? Will he sit with me? Should he? Should I want him to?
He does sit next to me, no pretence he sits as close as he can without sitting on me. I give him a big grin and he grins back. I’m glad, at least I know he’s forgiven me even if he doesn’t say anything. I find it easier to concentrate on the class today. It’s interesting and I listen not making too many notes. I sit back and I have an impulse to rub Peters back. I almost sit on my hands to stop myself. I lean forward zone back in to the class. Peter leans back and does exactly what I’d imagined doing to him, he rubs the small of my back then moves his arm right round, resting his hand on my hip. I bite my lip to hold in a sigh.
I know Jay would be unhappy with this but it feels so right. As class ends I lean back, trapping Peter. I look at him and grin again.
“I was going to the gym want to come?” I ask.
“Yes. I was planning to too.” Peter says.
We walk slowly towards the student gym, I’ve not used it in forever but I want to stay out the house a bit.
“I’m glad you’re talking to me.” I say.
“I’m sorry for what I said. It wasn’t true I don’t think those things.” Peter says.
“I know. I missed you so much, I didn’t know if I should call or if you hated me.” I say.
“You should have called. I should have called. I don’t know. I missed you too.” Peter says.
“Can I borrow your notes for our class maybe have a catch up o it together?” I ask.
“Yeah that would be great. We could go to the library after Mondays class.” Peter suggests.
“Thanks.” I say.
We arrive at the gym and are quiet getting changed. We both sneak looks at the other but not at anyone else. We work out together slipping into our old pattern easily and working well together. It’s a pretty cold evening and it’s really quite quiet so we get done really fast.
When we’re showered and dressed we both sit on the bench, it’s clear neither of us wants to leave.
“Are you still coming for spring break?” I ask.
“Uh, I booked a flight but I don’t know how weird it would be. Are you and Jay going to be all over each other all the time?” Peter asks.
“Not in front of you. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about me and Jay getting together myself.” I say.
“It’s okay, you don’t owe me anything. Not talking about our relationships is probably a good thing. I think it’s clear that we both still like each other a lot and it’s going to be hard to see or hear about other people.” Peter says.
“Yeah. Every time I think I’m over you I see you and I’m not. Let’s not talk about that or about our new people. I guess seeing more of each other isn’t the best idea.” I say sadly.
“No. I want to though. I want to hear about your movie and that whack job Max.” Peter says.
“You saw the articles?” I ask.
“Yeah, I don’t blame you for making that video, you looked really cute by the way. Jay got his big declaration.” Peter says and laughs.
“Do you have the spare car keys? Sorry to ask but as you’re not at the house…” I trail off.
“Here. I’ll miss your car.” Peter says.
“More than you miss me probably.” I say.
“Yup.” Peter says laughing.
We reluctantly head out of the gym.
“See you Monday.” I say.
Peter pulls me close and whispers in my ear.
“We’ll work something out. I need you.”
We part slowly. I head off home, even more confused.
“Good workout?” Jay asks when I get in.
“Yeah. Here’s the car keys and Peter is coming on our trip.” I say.
“You saw him?” Jay asks.
“Yeah we have a class together and worked out after. We’re okay, friends again.” I say happily.
Jay is grumpy about it but I’m not biting. I grab a banana and get on with my homework and catching up. Jay eventually seems to relax and joins me studying. Harry soon joins us too.
“Eric at rehearsal?” I ask.
“Auditions for plays. Dunno when he’ll have the time if he’s doing your two as well.” Harry says.
“He has to try for the best parts. I can find someone else later if I need to, its ages off yet.” I say.
“Are your pieces both in?” Jay asks.
“Yes. I heard earlier.” I say.
“Congrats babe.” Jay says and kisses me.
Eric comes in looking happy.
“How did it go?” I ask.
“So, so. I liked one of the writers but the rest not so much. A few offered me parts but I said no and everyone from my course thought I was nuts. It was pretty fun. So many of them have been dicks to me since I got back and this doesn’t help but I like the idea of working with you stealthily and blowing them away at the festival.” Says Jay.
“Uh Baby shouldn’t you be making an effort with your classmates?” Harry asks.
“Nah fuck em. They are jealous of me. They hate that I have an agent and work. There is a girl who has done a few shows on broadway and some commercials and they ice her out too. The two of us are bonding over it.” Jay says laughing.
“I thought you and Ben were friends now since working together.” I say.
“I thought so too but not since I got back. He’s so competitive, I asked him for help catching up on what I missed and he was a total dick about it. But it’s fine I caught up and without being in shows I have a bit more time for student lead stuff. I’m doing a couple of student films, those guys have like a million questions about what I learned on set.” Eric says.
“As long as you’re not being a dick to people.” I say.
“Don’t worry this film did not go to my head like the last one.” Eric says.
I’m really tired after my workout and kiss everyone goodnight.
Jay follows me in quickly. He starts kissing me and touching me, pulling at my cock.
“I’m tired honey.” I say quietly.
“Did you have sex with Peter?” jay asks.
“No. Do you not trust me at all? We’ve been doing stuff twice a day all week. I’m just tired after the gym and walking home.” I say.
“We were apart 3 weeks, we need to catch up.” Jay says kissing my ear and running his hands over me again.
I give in and start kissing him back.
“You best ride me though.” I say grinning.
“Good.” Jay says.
I can’t deny it I have a great time. Jay is always so sexy and makes me feel great just watching how much fun he’s having.
I sleep heavily and struggle to get up. Ending the week with an early start is just as bad as starting that way. At least I finish early too. Jay has a later start so I leave him sleeping.
I make a big effort over the weekend to treat Jay the way he likes. Holding hands when grocery shopping and taking him out for dinner, listening to all his spring break planning. He seems pretty happy and I start to worry a bit less. That he was so quick to ask me if I was fucking Peter is still playing on my mind, especially as I think Jay might be just as upset at what I did do with Peter. I’d be mad if it was the other way round.
So the weekend passes without another argument.
Sunday evening Eric and I are working together on the plays. He has loads of ideas and notes and is really helpful. I think they are going to be okay. I’m really pushing myself, I love exploring new things. I feel a bit guilty about the amount of time I’ve spend on them rather than my actual schoolwork.
“How are things going with Harry?” I ask.
“Really great. Honestly this feels so much better than Aaron or Eric. Living together is perfect, we both do things separately so we have enough space and waking up to him is like a dream every day.” Eric says with a big grin on his face.
“I’m so glad you’re happy. I really hope it works out. You’re both over how it started?” I ask.
“Yeah, we were still pretty tentative with each other when he came out to LA but when I got back here we just picked up speed. It’s so easy with him.” Eric says clearly off in dream world.
“Good. He seems really good for you. Plus he’s super-hot. You’re a really cute couple.” I say.
“Thanks. How are you and Jay doing?” Eric asks.
“Has he said anything?” I ask.
“Nothing bad.” Eric says.
“I love him but it’s really hard work. I feel like he’s holding me to some impossible standard. I have to be prince charming all the time, constantly doing things to impress him. I want him to be happy but I don’t think he likes me much as I am.” I say.
“He likes the effort you’re making.” Eric says.
“But he wasn’t like this with Peter or Felix. They wouldn’t have put up with it. I doubt he was like this with Ben either. I’m sick of not being good enough for anyone.” I say sadly.
“You are good enough for him, too good. You need to talk to him. You’ll just blow up if you keep hiding your feelings.” Eric says.
“I know. It’s stupid when we were friends we were able to talk about anything. Now I’m too scared he’ll get in a strop. It’s good too. I mean we are having fun when we can relax.” I say.
“To be honest I’m surprised you’ve lasted this long.” Eric says.
“What? You were the one who said we should be together.” I say.
“I only meant to get each other out your systems. You’re not well matched, crazy chemistry aside. I thought you’d fizzle out within 2 weeks and be able to properly move on.” Eric says.
“You should have told me.” I say.
“Are you going to end it?” Eric asks.
“No, I’m going to keep trying. I’m getting it right more than wrong, it’s exhausting but I think he’ll be worth it, we can be happy.” I say.
“Have you seen Peter?” Eric asks.
“Yeah we have a class together.” I say smiling at the thought.
“How’s he doing?” Eric asks.
“Good, he’s looking good. We haven’t talked much, we worked out together Thursday. I miss him living here, I wish he’d come back.” I say.
“Me too but it would be a bit shit for him living with 2 couples.” Eric says.
“Another reason to make it work with Jay.” I say.
“Don’t stay with him for that.” Eric says.
Eric has given me a lot to think about.
That night I hold Jay tightly as he sleeps and think of all the good things. I feel a bit more secure, but the nagging doom in the back of my head plagues my dreams.
Monday Peter and I repeat our actions of the previous classes, sitting too close, touching too much. Feeling amazing until he bolts straight after class without a word. So we don’t get to study together.
The week passes. I stay on my best behavior with Jay trying to make as much time for him as I can. Sending him loving messages through the day and cooking food he likes. We make time for an exhibit one evening and have a romantic walk. None of it is things I don’t enjoy, I would just rather be studying a little more right now. I hate feeling overwhelmed.
Thursday lunchtime after another series of why have you not replied messages I decide I have to talk to Jay, find out what is really going on.
“Why are you so hard on me?” I ask.
“What do you mean?” Jay asks.
“You seem to want a lot from me. Like just being me isn’t enough, it’s like I constantly have to impress.” I say.
“You should like that I make you want to be better. It’s a good thing when your boyfriend inspires you.” Jay says.
“That isn’t what I mean. I feel like you want more from me all the time, just hanging out being ourselves doesn’t seem to be enough for you. That and the constant checking up is getting me down. I don’t feel like I can do anything right. You’re like a high maintenance girlfriend.” I say.
“I just want us to get this right. I know I’m hard on you. I just need to be sure you are going to be the guy I need. Forever.” Jay says.
“I’m a good guy. I don’t know why I’m not enough for you. I never thought I’d feel like this with you. You need to back off a bit. You’re pushing me too much.” I say.
“No. You need to be better. I need to know you’re focused on me, on us. I need to know I can trust you.” Jay says.
“We agreed we were starting fresh. If you can’t let one blowjob a year and a half ago go then we are never going to work. You can trust me. I want to be with you. I feel like I have to make all the effort, all the compromises and you get everything your way all the time. This doesn’t feel like a partnership.” I say and leave before I say any more.
I study in the library before class. I can barely concentrate. I’m so damn angry. At myself, at Jay. He’s right not to trust me. I might as well live up to Jay’s expectations.
In class I sit close to Peter and put my hand on his leg. I concentrate on him the whole time, sitting close, small touches. I brush his crotch a few times, taking everything further than before. He never moves my hand or shuffles away.
When class is over he grabs my hand and drags me to the nearest restroom. He pushes me into the stall and locks the door. Our mouths meet and we kiss hungrily. He pushes me back against the door kissing me hard, running his hands through my hair and grinding against me. I push him round against the wall kissing him hard, biting at his lip, pushing my hardness to his.
We continue this back and forth, pushing each other around, touching each other’s hair and faces, grinding hard against each other. We just can’t stop, we don’t want to. Peter has me pinned to the wall, my arms above my head, his mouth on mine, pushing all his body against me it’s all too much and I cum in my underwear Peter following straight after. It’s crazy and felt so, so great. Our kissing slows and he slowly releases me.
We look at each other and laugh, unfastening our jeans to clean ourselves up the best we can.
“Shit Aaron is going to kill me.” Peter laughs.
I feel dizzy and confused.
“What’s Aaron got to do with it?” I stutter out.
“We’re back together, I live with him. He’ll not be pleased if he sees this.” Peter says pointing to his crotch.
I can’t take it in, I turn and hurl into the toilet. I totally blank out and throw up over and over. I feel Peter rubbing my back and I pull myself together, leave the stall and rinse out my mouth. I dig around in my bag for some gum. Peter hands me some and wipes my face with a paper towel. Always looking after me.