The explainations

“Why did you do it? Why did you marry him? Why did you marry him and not me?” Peter asks slowly.

 

I move my hand to hold his fully and squeeze it. Everything always feels better when he’s touching me.

 

“He asked me. The short answer is he asked and I had no idea you were still an option.” I say and sigh.

 

Peter looks at me sadly.

 

“After Blondie I was really down. I thought it was just grief. That coupled with what you said at the funeral made me think I would never be able to be with anyone I truly loved, I didn’t deserve it. Eric and I fell into dating. It wasn’t that serious, not really but we got on okay and had fun. He was having too much fun and I ended it. I helped Cindy get him in to rehab and I carried on as before.

Then a while after he was out he came to me and said he was clean and ready for monogamy and he proposed. I said yes as I thought it was the best offer I’d ever get. After the honeymoon he was right back to how he was, using and fucking around. I thought I didn’t deserve any better.

A couple of months ago the black clouds started to lift a little and I realised just how depressed I’d been. I went to the doctor and got some help.

I’ve been feeling a lot better for a couple of weeks and am finally thinking clearly. I’ve fired Sal and Cindy, I’m preparing to get divorced.

Tonight was a last attempt to see if it could work. I thought if we bought a place up here Eric could hang out with you guys more and would party less. But when he brought Max I knew things were just irreparable.” I explain.

 

“I’m sorry for what I said at the funeral. You didn’t deserve that. I wish you’d been able to come to me when you were sick and having a hard time. I never stopped caring.” Peter says.

 

“I just didn’t know how bad I was. I didn’t have anyone looking out for me the way you did.” I say.

 

“What you did with the accounts was wrong but it was pre-marital money. Has he really been treating you like shit since he found out? Was it really just about the money and publicity for him?” Peter asks.

 

“I guess so. It isn’t like I was in love with him either.” I say.

 

“But you were wanting a romantic marriage not a business arrangement?” Peter asks.

 

“Of course. I did love him and I had fun dating him. It just should never have gone further. Did you really move out here for me?” I ask curious to know how Peter ended up here.

 

Peter nods slowly.

 

“Come to my place, I have that tea you like, and I’ll explain everything.” Peter suggests.

 

We walk up to his car holding hands. Man it would be so easy to fall back into him. I’m married and he has a boyfriend. It isn’t happening. I just wish, I wish he was mine.

 

I love his house it is a small 2 bedroom with a good size deck not too far from the beach. I’m impressed. I’m surprised he lives alone given Harry told me he’s been with Jorge for a few months. I can’t imagine being Peter’s boyfriend and ever not being in his bed at night.

 

Peter makes hot tea and I watch him. Old habits take over and I hug him from behind. He turns and we share a long hug face to face.

 

“It’s nice to be held by a big guy again.” Peter says.

 

“It is. I’m married and you have a lovely sweet boyfriend but all I wanted to do at dinner was kiss you” I admit.

 

“Same. I looked at you properly for the first time in years. You look so, so good. For a minute it was just you and me. We still have a dangerous spark.” Peter says.

 

“Glad it wasn’t my imagination. Shit our timing sucks. Tell me how you came here for me but didn’t end up with me.” I say.

 

We sit at the kitchen table and wait for our drinks to cool.

 

“After the funeral I finished with Gabe. You were right being with you that night was about so much more than grief. Looking after you made me feel like myself, properly myself. I wanted you back. That was the only thing that made sense to me, I was miserable and I was sure winning you back would fix that.

I applied for posts out here and got lucky. I bought a ring, packed up my car planning a 4 week road trip. I’d not taken a break since our last trip to the island.

2 week into the trip I heard about you and Eric on the radio. I lost it. I cried for three days in a motel.” Peter explains.

 

“That fucking announcement. Wait, you bought me a ring?” I ask feeling lighter than air.

 

“Two, one each.” Peter says standing and rummaging in a drawer. He hands me a large ring box.

 

“They’re beautiful. Oh Peter I would have said yes. Even if it was after Eric asked. I would have said yes.” I exclaim.

 

Peter smiles at me sadly.

 

“Can I try it on?” I ask.

 

Peter nods.

 

“Our stones. It’s perfect, perfect ring, perfect fit, perfect man.” I say with a tear in my eye.

 

“Just imperfect timing.” Peter says sadly.

 

“Where did you find it? It’s our stones.” I say still unable to stop staring at my hand.

 

“I had them custom made. I wanted it to be right, to be us. You have to love it to wear it forever.” Peter says.

 

“I would have been so proud to wear this ring. How did you afford it?” I ask.

 

“I had most of my reward money left I used that.” Peter says.

 

“I’m so proud of you. A good post. A book coming out. Your last paper was fascinating. This place. Jorge. You deserve all these good things. I really am happy for you, however jealous.” I say.

 

“You do too. Why did you fire Sal and Cindy?” Peter asks.

 

“Cindy because I’m divorcing her son, there’s no way she can be impartial. Also making the engagement announcement before I could tell anyone. Not just you and Mom but Mart and John and Abigail too. I upset all my closest people.” I say.

 

“Mom was so upset. I’m sorry you two fell out. She misses you.” Peter says.

 

“I miss her too.” I admit.

 

“Call her, she’d be happy to hear from you. What happened with Sal?” Peter asks.

 

“I’m not doing the work I want to be doing. 5 years of this shit is too much for me and she isn’t helping me get anything else. I met with some other agents and some had ideas some didn’t. Blair and Jay had a full plan and a lot of clear interest, especially with theater producers I’ve met with before. So I fired Sal and have gone back to Blair, well Jay is my agent mostly. No more action movies.” I say.

 

“It’s funny we’re both with Blair.” Peter says.

 

“Are you with one of their book agents?” I ask.

 

“Kind of. I emailed Blair to ask if he could recommend any non-fiction agents I could try and he called me straight away saying he’d like to help me himself. One of his guys helped with the publishing side and Blair has worked with them over the tour, got me the TV spots. I think the book is irrelevant to Blair he finally has an excuse to market me, but I figure it’ll help it sell.” Peter says.

 

“Can I read it?” I ask.

 

“Sure. It’s dedicated to you.” Peter says.

 

“Why?” I ask.

 

“I was doing some edits when I was so focused on you and I sent it in. I didn’t ask to change it, I figured I’d never be being published without you.” Peter says.

 

“Will Jorge be mad?” I ask.

 

“Nah, I told him already. He knew I came out here for you, I just never told him about Sandy Green. We feel pretty lucky we found each other.” Peter says deflating me, sending me back to reality.

 

“Jorge is a very lucky man.” I say.

 

“I missed you a lot. Especially this last year. Please don’t disappear on me again. We should be friends. Look how easy it is to be open with each other tonight.” Peter says.

 

“My divorce is likely to be a bit of a circus. The last thing either of us needs is you being dragged in, linked to it in any way. You are not why my marriage failed. I think we need to keep away from each other until it is over.” I say hating the reality of losing him again straight away.

 

“I appreciate that. Just make sure you call me as soon as you are free. We need to be in each other’s lives.” Peter says.

 

I nod. He’s being so nice. He’s so fucking handsome and so good.

 

We hug again. I’m hard as a rock. Super hard. I’m not embarrassed. It’s Peter. He holds me tightly and presses against me letting me know he is enjoying the feel of me.

 

“I better go before we do something that fucks things up in your relationship and invalidates my pre-nup.” I say sadly pulling away.

 

Peter pulls me back into one last hug. Looks me in the eye and gently kisses me just for a second before pulling back. I have to check that I’m not a molten pool on the floor.

 

“Go jerk off on the beach, it’s always good to cum for the ocean.” Peter whispers in my ear before I leave.

 

I giggle. I do as he suggests and jog down to the beach. I get off in a few short strokes thinking of him. My first orgasm, my first decent erection since my honeymoon. It’s a good job Eric doesn’t come near me, if he knew I’d been impotent he could probably wrangle a lot more money out of me than the minimal spousal support he’ll get for a few months.

 

I call a car service to take me home knowing Eric and Max will have taken the car without thinking of me at all.

 

My husband hates me, won’t sleep with me but will anyone else, my work is unfulfilling and the love of my life has a good boyfriend who clearly adores him and I’m about to get divorced. It’s all shit but I’m on cloud 9. A year ago Peter still loved me. He bought me a ring. He bought me a beautiful meaningful ring. He bought me a ring.

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