The night of tears and smiles

Peter is lying with his head in my lap and I’m rubbing his back trying to let him know I care. I can’t believe Jorge was cheating for so long. Here we were fighting our instincts to kiss and touch each other and he should have been free to do as he wanted.

 

“What makes me so unlovable?” Peter asks sitting up.

 

“You are very lovable.” I say.

 

“Then why am I not enough? No one sticks around, I’m never anyone’s first choice. No one wants me. I worked so hard on myself, on becoming a better man, I keep in shape, I look after myself, I do okay with money and I’m smart. What’s so wrong with me?” Peter asks quietly, questioningly.

 

“Anyone would be lucky to have you.” I say believing it.

 

“I’m not fishing for compliments or platitudes. I need constructive advice.” Peter says.

 

“Jorge is an idiot, you can do better. Don’t dwell on it.” I say not sure what he needs from me.

 

“But I can’t do better, I fucking can’t. I asked out every gay man in town when I got here. No of them wanted me, I wasn’t choosy. I asked out guys of all ages, all sizes and all races. Very few would date me once, none twice until Jorge.” Peter says exasperated.

 

“It takes time Baby.” I say.

 

“But it has to be something I’m doing wrong. It has to be. If I don’t fix it I’ll be single forever.” Peter says quietly.

 

“You’ve always done fine before. You’ve had a shit day, don’t beat yourself up more.” I say.

 

“I’ve not done okay before. Sure I could pick guys up for hook-ups but my relationships all end because I’m never enough, I’m never first choice. Aaron would dump me whenever someone more interesting captured his attention. Jay was in love with you. Gabe wouldn’t give up women. You and Tom chose your careers and Jorge chose Brandon. No one chooses me.” Peter says more and more upset, collapsing into huge sobs.

 

He’s breaking my heart, I don’t know what to do, how to reach him. To me he’s the most beautiful, amazing, perfect man in the world and I wouldn’t change one thing about him.

 

All I can do is hold him. He’s shaking and sobbing, in a complete state. I’m so worried. I can’t calm him down at all.

 

I knew he liked Jorge but not this much. I’ve seen him go through break-ups including several between us and he was never like this. He seems so complexly broken, so without hope. I could kill Jorge.

 

I pass tissue after tissue until he runs out. His sobs become hiccups and I rub his back some more feeling utterly useless.

 

“Let’s get you cleaned up.” I say as his hiccups subside.

 

“I’m sorry. I thought we’d have a fun day. You shouldn’t have to deal with this. You should get home.” Peter says his throat hoarse.

 

“I love you. I’m taking care of you just as you would for me.” I say, regretting it as soon as the words are out. Not calling, not letting him help me through the divorce was another rejection as far as he’s concerned.

 

Luckily he just nods, doesn’t take offense. I walk him to the bathroom and wash his face.

 

“Do you really love me?” Peter asks quietly.

 

“Of course. You know I do.” I say.

 

“Take me back. Be mine. I want you back.” Peter says shocking me.

 

“You went through a breakup just a few hours ago. The world will look better tomorrow.” I say.

 

“49 to go.” Peter says.

 

“What?” I ask.

 

“Takes about 50 rejections to get a date. Not that there are another 50 gay guys around here I haven’t asked.” Peter says.

 

“I’m not rejecting you.” I say firmly.

 

“But you won’t be my boyfriend. Feels like a rejection.” Peter says.

 

“Don’t be silly. You cannot know what you want. In floods of tears over Jorge a minute ago, asking me out the next.” I say.

 

“I thought you wanted me. All day you acted like you did. But you don’t. I’m still not good enough.” Peter says walking out and into his bedroom, slamming the door.

 

I hear his crying begin again. I can’t believe my beautiful confident Peter is such a wreck. I’m really, really worried.

 

“Let me in baby.” I say through the door.

 

“Leave me alone.” Peter shouts back.

 

“I’m not going to do that. I just need to be sure you’re safe.” I say.

 

“I’m okay.” Peter says quietly between sobs.

 

“Do you want me to call Mom or Tom for you?” I ask.

 

“No.” Peter says.

 

“I’m calling Mom unless you open the door right now.” I say sounding 5 years old but so worried I don’t know what else to do.

 

“I’m allowed to be upset without the world needing to know.” Peter says opening the door a crack.

 

“I don’t know why things went wrong for you out here. I don’t know why you haven’t met the right guy or at least a decent guy. You will. You really are an amazing guy. It will happen. You are such a catch.” I say annoyed at myself for sounding so trite, not able to explain properly what I mean.

 

“There’s no point being a catch if the only guy who thinks so doesn’t want me.” Peter says.

 

“For fucks sake it’s been a few hours. You can’t be out of love with Jorge yet. Go on your tour, fuck around and get over him. Then we can talk about us.” I say.

 

“Why waste time? We both know we want to be together. Today was the best date in forever for both of us. If Jorge hadn’t fucked it up we would have stayed for dessert and coffee and been asked to leave at closing. We’d have come back and had a few drinks, enough that we could pretend we were a little out of control and we’d have gone to bed and kissed our faces off.” Peter says.

 

“I’d have left before it got that far.” I say quietly.

 

“But you would have wanted it.” Peter challenges.

 

“I’ve wanted to kiss you all day. When you slipped out I love you at the market my heart was soaring. But you had a boyfriend and I had to back off.” I say.

 

“I don’t have one now so come to bed.” Peter says grinning.

 

I look at him and laugh. I’m glad he’s smiling again. I won’t be pressured but damn I want to just give in.

 

“I’ll come to bed with you just because you need me to hold you tonight. Nothing else.” I say.

 

We walks out and comes back with a toothbrush for me.

 

For possibly the first time we get into bed together with our underwear on. I spoon in behind him so I can hold him.

 

“I always sleep better with you.” I say quietly.

 

“Take me back so you can always sleep well.” Peter replies.

 

“Stop tempting me.” I reply.

 

“Not until you’re mine.” Peter says.

 

“You’re waiting for me?” I ask quietly.

 

“Forever.” Peter replies.

 

I run my hands over his chest and kiss his neck lightly.

 

“That feels good. Take me back and you can have this body every day.” Peter whispers.

 

He has no idea how much I just want to take him back, fuck I wanted to beg him to take me back all day but I can’t take advantage when he’s this vulnerable.

 

“Your body is gorgeous, how is your skin still this soft?” I ask.

 

“Had to keep it ready for you.” Peter says.

 

“You must get compliments on your soft skin, sexy body and curvy ass. You might not be lifting any more but you’ve been working on this.” I say running my hands over his ass. He is so, so sexy.

 

“No just my big cock and strong legs.” Peter says.

 

“They missed out. You’re just lying still and you’re seducing me.” I say.

 

“I am?” Peter asks softly.

 

“I want you. You know I want you. I just don’t want you to wake up and remember all the reasons we’re not together. I can’t take you back only to lose you. It’s too soon. I don’t want to be your rebound.” I say.

 

“You could never be that. I love you. Today was so good, so easy, so comfortable, so right.” Peter says turning round to face me.

 

“I’m scared.” I say.

 

“I’m not Eric.” Peter whispers, his mouth hovering near mine until we fall into the kiss we’ve both longed for all day.

 

Our kisses are like a conversation filling in the last 5 years. I can feel everything he felt and I’m giving him all of me. I had no idea he had been so lonely. I thought he was the stable one, the one who had moved on.

 

Here we are kissing, my wildest dreams come true. Everything I wanted. We’re both single. He wants me and I want him. I know it’s too soon. He’s in so much turmoil. But how can I push him away. He needs me. He needs to feel my love, my attraction. I can’t fuck this up. I need him too, I need his love.

 

He pulls back from me for a moment and plays with my hair.

 

“I love your hair like this.” Peter says.

 

“Grow yours. I don’t like it so short. It’s not like its thinning.” I say.

 

“You always want us the same.” Peter says grinning and kissing my nose.

 

“You know me best.” I say relaxing a little.

 

“Plus if we’re doing this you don’t want me to remind you of Eric.” Peter says laughing.

 

Time has been harsh to Eric he lost his hair and he is not as cute without those red locks and his partying has taken its toll on his skin already. He’s kind of a mess.

 

“You never could.” I say.

 

“You’re already thinking of me as your boyfriend.” Peter says.

 

“Did your boyfriends really not hold your hand?” I ask avoiding a little.

 

“When we were with the guys Gabe would be more affectionate but not elsewhere. We weren’t a secret he took me to events at school. Jorge I realise now was never comfortable that way. He never introduced me to his family or colleagues, though I met some through Bobbie. He wasn’t a physical guy outside of sex he didn’t like to snuggle or anything. He didn’t like to stay over too many nights a week. Although I guess as he was fucking Brandon that makes sense.” Peter says.

 

“Why did you put up with it? Was being alone really a worse option?” I ask.

 

“It’s only now it’s over I see the bad things. And they weren’t so bad with Jorge, I knew it was unfair to push him to move in and then head off on tour and I can deal without holding hands. We had good times, we had a lot of common interests. I loved how great a teacher he was how his students loved him. He was quite high maintenance but he always had my back. Obviously his cheating makes me feel like everything was a lie.” Peter says.

 

“But you hate waking up alone. You love to just snuggle, being out in public with your boyfriend was normal for you a decade ago. It all seems like to many compromises to me.” I say.

 

“You married Eric.” Peter says incredulous.

 

“We are a pair of very dumb smart guys.” I say.

 

“We owe it to ourselves to do this. To make it work. We both know that anything else is second best. I threw us away. I couldn’t see the way long term and you just let me do it, just walked away. We both royally fucked up. Let’s put it right. It doesn’t matter that I just split from Jorge and you just got divorced because those relationships were never what we wanted.

I know I’ve changed a lot since we were together but I’m certain you still love me and will love me despite my changes as you get to know them. I know that I love you and nothing can ever change that. Fuck we’ve both tried but getting over each other just didn’t stick.” Peter says filling me with so much love and joy. His words are beyond anything I could have ever dreamed.

 

“The last time a man told me everything I wanted to hear I married him and it turned out to be a pile of horseshit. I want you. I want us more than anything. Because I want us to work I am telling you we cannot decide tonight. We have to take this slowly. I am terrified that we’ll rush and fuck it up and then never be able to try again.” I say holding my breath, praying he doesn’t take it as a rejection.

 

“But you do want us to try? No more excuses, no stupid roadblocks. We can agree we want to put us first. I know we both have work commitments for coming up that we can’t change but we won’t make any further decisions apart, we’ll work out what works for us as a couple.” Peter says.

 

“Try is the wrong word. It’s not an attempt. If we do this we are all in, planning our lives together not trying, planning.” I say.

 

“I like that. We can work out the how as we go but I think we both know there isn’t a lot we wouldn’t sacrifice to be together. I love you Alexander. I love how you’ve grown. I’ll be yours and you’ll be mine, forever.” Peter says.

 

I’m trembling, my whole body is shaking. Peter wraps himself around me to hold me still, to hold me close.

 

“Breathe baby.” Peter says softly.

 

“I’m just so happy. This is crazy and I’m scared to death. I think we need to wait. I really, really want to dive in but I have to hold back. This is not a not ever, this is a soon. It’s not wasting time it is letting you catch your breath.” I say.

 

“Do you have someone else? Loose ends to tie up? I assumed you wouldn’t have met anyone yet but I didn’t actually ask.” Peter says.

 

“No loose ends, not romantic ones anyway.” I say.

 

“So no reason to not give me a little comfort.” Peter says quietly, running his hand over the bulge in my underwear.

 

I shudder in delight. He kisses me hard and then pulls off my underwear followed by his own.

 

Kissing me he rolls on top of me making me groan and sigh in delight. He knows exactly what I like. He looks at me with his sexy grin and rolls off and I move so we’re face to face. We can’t stop kissing.

 

Our hands and mouths are everywhere, we both need to explore the changed body of the other. We grip each other close and grind a little. Peter grabs us together and brings us off. We knew we’d never last long enough. I roll away panting. So happy. So, so happy.

 

“Just like that first night we were roommates.” I say.

 

“But you’re not leaving for your own bed.” Peter says hugging me close to his chest.

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