We sleep late together despite our early night. I love holding my man and begin kissing his neck and back to wake him.
“Still love me?” Peter murmurs.
“You know it sleepy head.” I say as he turns to kiss me back. I don’t mind him asking any more. I like it. Like knowing I’m the first thing on his mind in the morning.
“More kisses.” Peter murmurs turning to kiss me.
“You must be starving. We don’t have long let’s go find breakfast.” I say.
“No, just snuggles.” Peter says cuddling me close.
“Come on sexy we have to get you to the studio.” I say after another ten minutes of snuggling. I’m as reluctant as he is.
I help him choose what to wear after our shower.
“Remember me dressing you when you had all those early starts. Thanks for helping me.” Peter says as we grab breakfast sandwiches from the hotel coffee shop.
“I do remember. Best assistant I ever had and you were free.” I say and kiss his cheek.
“You gave me half a house.” Peter says laughing.
“Just a small bonus.” I say as we get in the car.
“Let’s get this done.” Peter says handing me his uneaten breakfast and heading in to the studio.
This morning show Peter is doing an experiment and interview while he does it. It’s less invasive than the day before. A lot more about the book and his work and a lot of questions on science and technology. It is clear it is basically an audition for a regular piece.
He looks gorgeous and comes across just how he is, smart and sexy. He makes me think about how I am in these things. Am I as natural as him? I try to appear open whilst being super guarded. I’m dreading what is coming in the next few weeks, all the questions about the divorce and Eric getting with Max. Ugh. I need Peter back with me to tell them all where to go.
That summer we toured together was crazy and terrifying but I do look back on it with so much affection because it was the summer that cemented us. I hate that I couldn’t hold on to that, not just when I ran away but when Peter broke up with me. I let go of all of it, let the cement turn to dust and forgot it ever existed.
“Let’s go for burgers.” Peter says when he’s finished.
“Sounds good. Are you hungry now?“ I ask.
“Nah but I will when I smell them I bet. Do you know somewhere good?” Peter asks.
“Sure.” I say and tell the driver where to go.
“Have you been taking you meds?” I ask once we’ve ordered.
“Not since moving to your place.” Peter says looking surprised.
“No wonder you’re so tired and messed up. We’ll get you sorted out.” I say.
“I’m a doofus. I couldn’t work out what was up with me.” Peter says.
“You need to take care of yourself. You know how hard this stuff can be.” I say.
“I know. I wish you were coming with me.” Peter says.
“I wish I was too. But I have to work. Then we can be together forever.” I say.
Peter nods and our food arrives. His appetite comes back with a bang and he’s soon wolfing his down and making a play for my plate.
“I get it now. Why you used to get happy when I’d eat a proper meal.” I say.
“Please I missed one meal, you’d go for days if I didn’t make you eat.” Peter says laughing.
“You were a really great boyfriend.” I say
“You were too. I’m so excited to be back together.” Peter says.
“We best head over to see the agents next.” I say.
We’re waved through by reception. Peter heads down to Blair’s office while I head to Jay’s agreeing to meet outside the office of whoever finishes last.
I walk into Jay’s office in a loved up daze. I’m finally happy, I’m not looking forward to the time apart but it’s such a small amount of time compared to the time we’ve already been apart. The thought of being together every day when we get back means getting through it will be easy.
Jay and I talk business, the tour, the work I want when I’m looking after Peter and my ambitions to go back into theater, all seems well and then he turns.
“Are you sure you want to make career decisions based on Peter? You’re so fickle. I thought we were getting back together, you took some time on the coast to think then boom you’re back in town, back with him and don’t even call me to let me know.” Jay says raising his voice at the end.
“What? We were never getting back together. It was just comfort when we were lonely.” I say confused.
“No fucking way! We were making plans. I was waiting on you. It wasn’t just fucking comfort!” Jay shouts.
“You were great supporting me through my divorce and I really appreciated it. You knew I was in no state for a new relationship.” I say calmly.
“And yet you’re in a full on relationship with him right now. Miraculous.” Jay shouts.
“He is everything to me and I wasn’t going to pass up a chance to be with him.” I say honestly.
“But why not let me know. You knew how I felt. You knew!” Jay screams at me.
“I had no idea how you felt. We didn’t ever talk about us.” I say calmly, unhappy at this ridiculous fight.
“You knew, you fucking knew. Just fuck off.” Jay shouts.
I get up and leave. Peter is sat outside looking stunned.
“Did it go okay with Blair?” I ask.
“He had an emergency. He can’t make dinner.” Peter says.
We go back to the hotel in silence. I know I’m in trouble. Why the fuck did I turn to Jay. Why didn’t I tell Peter about it? I knew he’d hate it and I couldn’t risk losing him.
“Why did you tell me you were single?” Peter asks once we’re back in the hotel.
“I was.” I say.
“But you and Jay fucked? He was the one helping you through the divorce?” Peter asks quietly.
“Yes. We were both lonely and single and there.” I say quietly.
“Why him? I would have been there for you. Why did you turn to him?” Peter asks.
“I needed someone. I needed someone to talk though when I was dealing with everything. You cannot be mad at me for getting the support I needed. We weren’t together.” I say slowly trying to hold my temper.
“I hate him. I hate thinking of you with him. I offered to be there for you. I wanted to be there, we said we’d be friends.” Peter says very upset.
“You don’t get to decide who I turn to. Maybe it was easier to talk with a single friend than one happily in a relationship like you and the rest of my friends.” I say getting more annoyed.
“Talking is one thing, fucking another.” Peter says.
“It was just casual. A couple of times. It didn’t mean anything, we weren’t starting again. Just casual and Jay knew that. You know how he likes to rewrite the past.” I say.
“It is never casual with you two. Never. You knew sleeping with him would make him think you were getting married or something. You know how he is.” Peter shouts so mad at me.
“He’s not that kid any more. He’s grown up just like we have. We were lonely and helped each other out. It isn’t like I have options. It was him or paying for it.” I say exasperated.
“And what if you get lonely on tour? He’ll see you more than I will. Will you be taking that option then?” Peter asks throwing me completely.
“You cannot do this. You cannot accuse me of cheating in advance. I will never cheat on you. Never. I only ever want to be with you. If you had been single you know I would have called you. I didn’t choose him over you. I only want you. Forever.” I shout losing it with him.
“How would you feel if Gabe was my editor? If I said I’d been fucking him a few weeks ago.” Peter shouts.
“Either you trust me or leave me. Jay is my agent, get used to it.” I say giving up. Mad at myself for stooping to this but I cannot cope with all his insecurity and projection.
“So it’s Jay and your career ahead of me, again.” Peter says icily.
“Don’t twist things.” I spit.
“I’m going to bed.” Peter says walking away.
“No, we are not going to bed on a fight we sort this out now.” I shout so mad that this is happening. That I can’t stop myself. That he is pushing me so much. I hate this but can’t escape.
“You win. Fight over. You always win. Whatever you want.” Peter says.
“I am putting my career on hold for you. I am changing my life for you. You are the one winning.” I complain.
“For us! So we can finally have our shot. I thought you were making changes for us. I guess I was wrong about that too.” Peter says crying.
“No you’re right. We’re planning changes together, for us.” I say the fight falling out of me, the fear of the damage I’ve done taking over.
Peter looks at me confused.
“I’d be jealous as hell if you were working with Gabe or Jorge or anyone. But I’d trust you completely. I love you and I now you love me too.” I say and hug him feeling a total fool.
“I’m sorry. I hate thinking of you with Jay and I hate we’re about to be apart.” Peter says.
“Me too. Me too baby.” I say.
We wash up and go to bed. I wake at dawn to an empty bed. I check the bathroom but I know he’s gone. His bags are gone. How did I not wake?
He’s left a note on the pillow for me.
“It isn’t over. I promise it isn’t over.
I need some space to work through all of this.
I love you
I read it ten times over and message him.
“Every day let me know you are okay. Take space but make sure you check in. I love you.” I type, hoping it’s enough.