“So I wasn’t wrong about that kiss?” Blue asks upset.
“No, you are never wrong about what I am feeling, I can’t hide anything from you.” Gervais says.
“Why let me think it was all in my head? I’ve been second guessing every one of my instincts since.” Blue says.
“To protect myself. Look we need to talk but I need to speak to Jesse right now. I can’t believe he told you to stay away. For weeks I’ve been asking him what he thought I’d done and he knew the whole time that you were staying away because of him.” Gervais says.
“Don’t throw him away over this. He was doing what he thought was best for you guys.” Blue says. Gervais shakes his head and leaves the room.
Blue lies back in a daze utterly confused. He cannot understand why Gervais wouldn’t want to be with him if he feels just as strongly. Blue starts to analyse everything. He’d previously figured he just wasn’t attractive to other men, as everyone he dated so far has gone with another option. But now Gervais is saying he likes him more than Jesse but doesn’t want to be with him and it is so confusing.
Gervais is hopping mad with Jesse. He can’t believe his boyfriend would tell Blue to stay away when he knows Blue is his main support system. He can’t believe Jesse has held him night after night when he has cried over Blue and not said a word.
“Why did you tell Blue to stay away?” Gervais shouts unable to keep his feelings in check.
“He was stifling us, we couldn’t grow with him always there waiting to catch you and steal you away from me.” Jesse says.
“I chose you over him. He wanted us to be together and I wanted to stay friends. Why wasn’t that enough for you? Why didn’t you trust me?” Gervais asks.
“Come on, he barely let you get dressed without buttoning your shirt for you. He was always there, staring at you, wanting you. It was embarrassing.” Jesse says.
“So why did you hide it? Why let me think I’d done something wrong?” Gervais asks.
“Because you’d react like this and I’d lose you. I did what I did to keep us together, to give us a chance to become something. We’d never have made the shift to a real relationship with Blue hanging around.” Jesse says.
“I need Blue in my life. I am miserable without him to talk to, my anxiety is worse, I panic more. Yoga was the first thing that really worked for me, that really helped me with my nightmares and when I felt out of control. You took that away from me. I feel like you wanted a broken me so you had the upper hand and not a strong me. I’m done. I can’t trust you.” Gervais says close to panic.
“We’ll talk when I’m back. Babe we can work through this. We’re stronger now, I can learn to deal with Blue.” Jesse whines.
“No, we’re done.” Gervais says and feels a huge sense of relief. He shuts down facetime and heads back into Blue’s room.
Meanwhile on the wrestling trip Spence and Robin are sharing a room, there were not enough twin rooms to go round so they volunteered to take a king. Robin has been single since the Madeline incident and is just dating occasionally. Spence has yet to meet anyone he is interested in, not that he’s been looking too hard. He needs time to heal.
“It’s been so long since we competed I feel so out of shape.” Robin says.
“I know I’m in shape but I still feel nervous.” Spence says.
“I guess we thought just being club we wouldn’t have big meets like this.” Robin says.
“Yeah. I’ve loved it being just for fun. But I’m excited to be competing against people I don’t know. I think it’s easy to get lazy at club, we know each other too well.” Spence says.
“True and you might find someone you like here.” Robin says wiggling his eyebrows.
“I might. What about you? Had any good dates recently?” Spence asks.
“Not really. I’m just going to be single a while. Are you really looking around or taking Andy back?” Robin asks.
“He really is trying hard to show me I can trust him. It’s been really nice recently, I’ve had my best friend back and I’ve loved the three of us have been hanging out again. It’s been brilliant. Of course I miss the intimacy we had, I miss sex, I miss him pestering me for it, even though I hated it sometimes. He always made me feel desirable. But I am still really hurt by what he did.” Spence says.
“He did fuck things up but he knows that. He isn’t excusing it or blaming you for not opening up.” Robin says.
“You don’t think I’d be a fool?” Spence asks.
“You’d be a fool if you let him do it again. But no I don’t think you would be if you forgave him this time. He has given up all that fucking around, he really has. Can you get past that, or will you always see him with someone else when you’re in bed?” Robin asks.
“When he first brought up playing around and having threeways I felt ill, I thought I would puke for days. But now the idea of watching him fuck someone else gets me so fucking hot.” Spence says adjusting his shorts as dick is growing fast.
“So your room will be orgy central?” Robin laughs.
“Something like that. Losing him has loosened me up or maybe it’s all the porn I’ve been watching. I just want to explore everything with him and not alone or with someone new. I just don’t know if I trust myself to get this right.” Spence says.
“You don’t have to. The worst that happens, he fucks up again and you end it for real. Three years is a lot to throw away.” Robin says.
“I know but he threw it away not me. It meant fuck all to him when he went out looking to fuck.” Spence says.
“Do you think he’ll be with anyone this weekend?” Robin asks.
“He’s sent my like 20 dick pics already. If he is with anyone he’d much rather be with me.” Spence says.
“Take him back. You need to get him out your system before you can date anyone new and there are too many whatifs right now for you to do that. Plus thinking about him is making you super hard.” Robin laughs.
“Sorry I can’t help it.” Spence says getting off the bed to go to the bathroom to get off.
“Wait, you don’t need to do it in there.” Robin says.
“Gay men turn you on since your time with Blue?” Spence asks slightly unsure.
“No, maybe, maybe being watched is good.” Robin says.
“Does Blue watch you?” Spence asks.
“No, he’s walked in a couple of times but never watched properly.” Robin says.
“Do you want him too?” Spence asks straining in his briefs.
“Maybe. I’m super curious about him. I mean he’s hot and rich and a virgin. Or was before John. He liked me and I’m curious if I would really get him going.” Robin says.
“Last time you tried it was a big fail and since you stopped sharing a bed he found a boyfriend. So leave him alone.” Spence says.
“Oh I will. But we can still both fapp here. You’ll never shift that rocket without.” Robin says.
“Is it not weird for you?” Spence asks.
“Nah, is it for you?” Robin asks.
“I’m too fucking horny to care.” Spence grins and wriggles out of his shorts letting his thick cock free.
Robin undresses also then gets up and grabs the lotion from the bathroom. They lean back together on the big bed and start stroking. Curious they watch each other and then switch hands. Neither lasts too long, excitement and novelty bring them off.
Back in the suite.
“What did he say?” Blue asks when Gervais comes back in.
“It doesn’t matter I ended it.” Gervais says.
“But why?” Blue asks.
“I don’t trust him. He lied to me over and over. He was already exhausting me and didn’t care that I was getting unwell.” Gervais says.
“You’re not well?” Blue asks with concern.
“The nightmares are back and I am panicking more and more. I’m two steps from going back to full hermit mode.” Gervais says.
“And you couldn’t ask me for help because I left every room you walked in to.” Blue says.
“And I’m not your responsibility.” Gervais says.
“But I care about you and I should have made sure me backing off was what you needed. I’m really sorry. I knew something was up but I stopped trusting my instincts around you.” Blue says unhappy with himself.
“That’s my fault. Can we cuddle and make up?” Gervais asks motioning to the bed.
Blue nods and shifts onto his back, Gervais climbs up next to him and lies on his chest.
“Can you explain why you chose Jesse? Was it because I’m so inexperienced?” Blue asks.
“Oh baby it was not because of that. I have really, really strong feelings for you. You know that. I rely on you a lot, and maybe I shouldn’t but right now I’m falling apart without you.” Gervais begins.
“We’ll work on coping strategies. We’ll get you well and you should rely on me for that and when you’re in a good place we’ll work out how to wean you off me.” Blue says.
“There you go putting me first, totally selfless. But I need to explain, I owe you that, before we make any plans.
You are pretty insecure about men, relationships, sex. I feel like maybe if you had a successful relationship with someone like me your confidence would grow and you’d soon be off to be with someone more your level.
You are so good looking and smart and caring and rich, a lot of guys would want you but they expect you to make the first move. Once you have a bit of confidence and understand how things work I wouldn’t get a look in.
I would much rather have you as my friend forever than have you as a boyfriend for a couple of months. I don’t think I’d survive a breakup with you. I thought that when I chose Jesse and I think it even more given how hard the last few weeks have been without you.” Gervais says, every word spoken slowly and softly, chosen with complete care.
“What do you mean my level?” Blue asks.
“Hot guys. Tens.” Gervais says.
“You are a ten to me.” Blue says quietly.
“Oh honey you know I am not all that. I’m a mess with a messy past.” Gervais says.
“You have 2 guys who want you and I have none. I am a total loser. So far I have fooled around with a guys with a boyfriend who I ran out on and can’t ever face again, been in love with my straight roommate, turned down by you for Jesse, turned down by Mac for someone else and rejected by John for his straight best friend. Five losses, no wins. I am not a good bet.” Blue says.
“You have had a run of bad luck.” Gervais says.
“I just don’t think I’ll ever find anyone. I don’t think the sort of guys I like will ever like me back. And maybe it is what you said, I’m expected to approach them and I don’t have the confidence yet and if they approached me I’d probably think they were too pushy like Brad and run away.” Blue laughs.
“That day at climbing, what would have happened if you had taken me back not Jesse?” Gervais asks changing the subject not really wanting to think about Blue with other guys, not right now.
“I would have made you some hot tea and once you’d drunk it and felt calmer I’d have taken your hand and walked round the lake with you, pointing out all the wildlife and plants to distract you from everything else. We’d have sat down and watched the water and I’d have put my arm round you and waited for you to be ready to talk. You’d have nuzzled against me, a bit like this and told me what was bothering you, or maybe said nothing at all because you weren’t ready. I’d have fought off the urge to kiss your neck and stroke your hair but I would have wanted to very much. We’d have sat and talked or stayed silent until we heard the others coming back. We’d have walked round the rest of the way and you’d have gone to be with Jesse and I would have checked in with Andy and Spence.” Blue says dreamily.
“That sounds perfect; I wish we’d had that day.” Gervais says.
“Me too. It’s a shame neither of us has a car as we could have gone out tomorrow.” Blue says.
“I’m sorry I made you feel bad about yourself. You really are a great guy inside and out.” Gervais says.
“Then be my boyfriend. I would never be as fickle as you imagine. I would never promise forever but I would never, ever treat you badly.” Blue says.
“Blue I love you, I really do but I just can’t take that leap. We are really great as friends and I don’t see us ever being more. I don’t want to give you false hope.” Gervais says.
“But you said you were jealous when I was with John. You like me that way, I know you do. If I’m so great why are you holding out for better?” Blue asks utterly frustrated.
“I’m not. I don’t want a relationship at all, I’m not ready.” Gervais says.
“Okay. Are you really sure there is no hope?” Blue asks quietly.
“Blue Sky you need someone worthy of you. Not a bit on the side, not something fake but something real with someone who is your equal. You’ll find him, once we’re over these breakups we’ll go looking.” Gervais says.
“You are my equal. For sure it took me a little while to see what was in front of me, it took a while to get to know you but when you let me in I loved you. I don’t think you are complicated, you are a product of your past, in the same way we all are. You can be moody just like me, you can be quiet and you can be chatty. People think you’re shy but you’re just quiet, you have a lot of confidence in yourself because you have faced so much and survived.
You are beautiful head to toe, you have beautiful blond hair, you have the deepest blue eyes, someone as pale as you I’d expect to have light eyes too but they’re not they’re deep and strong like you are. I love your pretty lips and pale neck, your cute earlobes that I always just want to bite. I love how your body is small with its sexy definition as you get stronger, I love the downy hair on your ass, your soft stomach and your perfect little feet, I love how your toes are so tiny and cute with rounded ends.” Blue says tracing his hand over his friend.
“No.” Gervais says as Blue leans in to kiss him. Blue pulls back straight away and then turns on his side to face away embarrassed at how hard he is.
“I’m sorry. I want you to get better, I want to help you be more stable but I don’t think I can bury my feelings. I need some space to get over you. I’m not trying to blackmail you into being my boyfriend, please don’t think I would ever do that.” Blue says quietly.
“So you don’t want to be my friend?” Gervais asks.
“I feel like I’m going through 2 breakups in one day and I’ve not had a boyfriend yet. I’m sorry. I’ll work on it. I’m not going to throw away our friendship, of course I won’t. If I’m getting too clingy or too close tell me off. Don’t let me ever make you feel uncomfortable.” Blue says.
“You never make me feel uncomfortable. You are the only man I ever fantasize about fucking me. You are the only man who can always touch me without me ever recoiling. I have never felt safer with anyone. It would be so easy to be with you. But I wouldn’t grow. I would lean on you more than ever and right now I need to be independent.” Gervais says.
“If you get better we could be together. When you’re ready. You’ve grown so much since we first met, I know I’ve helped. I don’t understand how us being together could be bad.” Blue says.
“I told you I don’t want to give you false hope. I don’t want you waiting for me. We’re going to get me better and find you a boyfriend.” Gervais says.
“No, that’s not right.” Blue says.
“What do you mean?” Gervais asks.
“I don’t want anyone’s help finding a boyfriend like I’m some charity case. You all keep telling me I’m a catch then in the same breath say you wouldn’t actually date me yourself. Then you all go on about helping my find someone, Spence with the apps, Andy in the club and now you. You all make me feel worthless, useless and undateable.” Blue says.
“But you keep ending up in hopeless situations. You just need some guidance.” Gervais says.
“You all pushed me at Brad when you had no idea what he was like. Let me trust my instincts and make my mistakes.” Blue says.
“I think we are all jealous of you. You’ve everything that puts you at the top of many guys wish-list and we all think if we were you we’d be taking full advantage. It’s frustrating to see you fail.” Gervais says.
“So you see me as a failure?” Blue asks utterly fed up.
“No, I just don’t see you reaching your potential.” Gervais says.
“Well where am I going wrong? You won’t go out with me because of something you think might happen in the future or because you’re not ready to date. I can’t do anything about that, I can’t do anything to fix myself for you. Robin is straight, again nothing I can do about that. Mac and John were in to other people, Brad had a boyfriend and I wasn’t in to him anyway. So I need to stop going after people who don’t want me, which given they say yes to a date is kind of hard to know in advance.
How do I make myself attractive to someone like you, who isn’t you, and who is single?” Blue asks only half joking.
“I’m sorry. Here we are telling you you’re doing it wrong when other than faking it with John you were doing the right thing. Meeting guys and asking them out. I guess we all think it would be easy being you but at the end of the day we don’t have an unlimited pool of guys to choose from, even fewer if we think about wanting a relationship.” Gervais says.
“You’ll regret getting rid of Jesse and turning me down when you are ready to date.” Blue says.
“No doubt, you will always be the hottest guy I turned down.” Gervais says.
“If you change your mind I’m here.” Blue says turning round to face Gervais.
“You are so amazing. You’ll find someone and they will be the luckiest guy alive.” Gervais says.
“Are you absolutely sure I shouldn’t wait for you?” Blue asks not quite willing to give up hope on the person he feels is right for him.
“I’m certain.” Gervais says and Blue’s eyes fill with tears.
They lie facing each other, fully clothed until they fall asleep.
Robin goes out in the second round of the competition on Saturday and spends the day chatting up women in the audience, in his usual way of asserting his straightness. He knows a few people watching from high school competitions and has fun catching up. He makes full use of the hotel room with a couple of girls while Spence is still competing.
On Saturday Andy spends the day with his family. He hasn’t yet told them about his break up and is really hoping he won’t have to. On Sunday he heads over to Spence’s house, he needs to pick up a few things for school for them both. He’s been texting Spence all day to see how the competition is going and because he misses him. He plans to spend the night in their old room to feel close to him, to remind himself of what they once had.
He has enjoyed seeing what is out there but he has missed Spence terribly and whilst he had a lot of fun no encounter was anything close to what he had with Spence and none of the guys were anything like as hot. Andy isn’t that hung up on looks but it is nice to wake up to a beautiful face each morning. He needs to win his boyfriend back. He knows he can be faithful this time. The STIs were a shock and the knowledge that he’s hurt Spence physically and mentally affected him more than he imagined possible.
He sends Spence a bunch of pictures taken in places that mean something to them as a couple and Spence is delighted. He uses the happiness to spur himself on each round wanting to make Andy proud and have good news. He knows he’ll be back with Andy in a day and he can’t wait to hold him again, to be in his arms.
Spence easily wins his class and feels on top of the world. He tells Robin he wants to go back to school a day early, they round up a couple of others who want to do the same and head back to campus Sunday night.
Andy is in the suite pacing the floor waiting for Spence to come back. He is sure Spence is ready and is coming back for him. Earlier he spoke with Blue and Gervais and seeing them being so fucking miserable apart has doubled his determination to be with Spence.
Robin comes through the door first and Andy practically pushes him aside to get to his man. Robin quickly slips into his room leaving the two staring at each other.
“Yes, I want you back, lets try again.” Spence says after a few minutes of silence.
“Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.” Andy screams, picking Spence up and kissing him.
“You cannot fuck it up this time.” Spence says once Andy puts him down.
“I won’t not ever. I know I have the best with you.” Andy says.
“I’m a lot more open to trying things now though. We should absolutely open up our bed.” Spence says.
“But not for a bit, I need to get properly reacquainted.” Andy says grinning so hard.
“Maybe you should tie me up and use me.” Spence says half shy, half excited.
“I think we need to have a shopping trip.” Andy says.
“I think so, lots of talking and kissing and shopping. Good job tomorrow is a holiday from school.” Spence says.
“Oh no, you will not be leaving that bed tomorrow, shopping can wait.” Andy laughs.
“I am going to be so tight.” Spence laughs.
“Stop teasing me.” Andy grins back. The trust is back for them both, somehow everything has clicked back into place and they are going to be stronger than ever.