The suite saga 15

“Hey, I thought you were out.” Robin says as he walks into his room.

“Just moping about. You’re back early.” Blue says, putting down his book.

“Why are you so gloomy?” Robin asks.

“It’s over with John. Gervais broke up with Jesse but still doesn’t want me. I’ll snap out of it soon but I’m enjoying a bit of a wallow for now.” Blue says and gives a small smile.

“Did you break up with John because Gervais was single?” Robin asks he still can’t work out the Gervais and Blue dynamic.

“No, John dumped me because he has finally won over Dylan and Gervais dumped Jesse because I let it out that he’d told me to stay away.” Blue says.

“I’m sorry. Hey at least you don’t have the v card to worry about this time. You can have fun without being so anxious.” Robin says and Blue looks away embarrassed.

“We uh didn’t, I’m still…” Blue stutters ashamed.

“But you were together for a few weeks, why did you hold back?” Robin asks.

“Why do you think it was me holding back?” Blue asks.

“I’m sorry, natural assumption, that the hot one in the relationship would be the one holding out. Why would he?” Robin asks.

“Can we not?” Blue asks.

“I’m sorry. Want to get out of here and get some food? Some guys on the team told me about a great Indian place, that would work for you, right?” Robin suggests.

“That sounds perfect. Thanks Robin.” Blue says.

“I’ll just shower, I stink after that car ride.” Robin says and strips off. Blue turns back to his book, then gets himself ready while Robin showers.

“Should we ask Spence?” Blue asks.

“Uh I think he and Andy will not emerge for a few days.” Robin laughs.

“Oh finally. I’m both delighted and terrified for them.” Blue says.

“Should we ask Gervais?” Robin asks.

“Yeah, if that’s okay?” Blue asks.

“Of course, we’re so over his over reaction.” Robin laughs.

Blue knocks for Gervais and he sleepily puts his head out.

“Want to come for Indian food?” Blue asks.

“No, Jesse is coming back early to talk. He’s due any minute.” Gervais says.

“Do you need me to stay close by?” Blue asks.

“No, I’m sure it’ll be fine.” Gervais says.

Blue steps forward and hugs him hard.

“Don’t be pressured to take him back if you don’t want to. Call if you need me.” Blue says.

Gervais nods and kisses his friend on the cheek.

“I don’t get it.” Robin says when they get in his car.

“What?” Blue asks.

“He loves you, he’s properly deeply in love with you.” Robin says.

“I know, well he could be if he let himself. He admitted he likes me more than Jesse. But he won’t give me a shot. It’s like he’s punishing himself for his past.” Blue says.

“He is crazy. You’d be an amazing boyfriend to him. You do feel sexually attraction towards him, not just protective of him?” Robin checks.

“Oh yes. A lot.” Blue says as they get to the place.

“Is it any consolation knowing he feels that way?” Robin asks.

“Kind of. Before when he basically denied that our kiss was anything special I was totally thrown as I didn’t know if I could trust my feelings, I didn’t believe that feeling like that could be so one sided. Can it? Can you have a great kiss when the other person has a bad one?” Blue asks.

“I don’t think so. Well maybe if you’re totally clueless about being a bad kisser but I am certain that isn’t you. So you’re going to trust yourself now?” Robin asks.

“Yeah. I have to give up on Gervais because that is what he wants. He really wants us to stay friends and I first thought that I couldn’t keep my feelings at bay but I will try really hard because he needs me and I enjoy being with him.” Blue says.

“That sounds good. We got through the other side of your crush and even though it got messy we are back to normal now.” Robin says.

“We are. How was your competition?” Blue asks.

“So much fun. I was useless and went out so early. Spence won his class, I think he surprised people from our club, let alone the other schools. He rarely lost in high school, I don’t think he had an easy run but he is in such good shape. It was great to be able to watch him do so well.” Robin says.

“Oh once he and Andy comes up for air we should go and celebrate. I’m surprised you didn’t stay to party.” Blue says.

“He really wanted to get back to Andy, like really badly. I think as soon as he let himself make the decision he needed to be back with Andy.” Robin says.

“It has been so hard to know what to say to him. I mean his boyfriend really phup, really, really badly and to say yeah sure go back to him felt so, so wrong. But they are so good together.” Blue says.

“Exactly. How much could we tell him to have a bit of pride and at the same time be thinking please don’t throw it away. I’m glad they’ve worked it out themselves, I’m glad Andy stepped up and apologised and worked to win Spence back.” Robin says.

“Me too. I’ll miss hanging out with Spence though.” Blue says.

“Spence won’t drop you, Andy will tag along. Andy is pretty smart but he doesn’t have any particular passions and he’s happy to watch and socialise on the sidelines. Like he does with climbing. He will watch you two at gym or sleep in more likely for the early sessions and he’ll help out with any coaching or anything Spence does.” Robin says.

“He is super easy going. He helps Spence stay calm doesn’t he? Helps him have fun?” Blue asks.

“Yeah, Spence can get really intense and be a totally d without Andy to calm him down. Andy gets a lot from Spence too. It’s been so weird seeing them separately these weeks.” Robin says.

“Are classes getting any better for you?” Blue asks.

“No, I don’t get it. It’s nice that I’m breezing through them but everyone is so it doesn’t feel like an A means anything. I worry that by the time we get anything that requires effort I will have forgotten how to study.” Robin says.

“Yeah it sucks. John said it wasn’t like this when he was a freshman but cuts mean a lot of faculty have gone.” Blue says.

 

“Yeah I do not feel we’re getting what we were sold. I’m thinking of transferring.” Robin says.

 

“Oh no, I’d miss you so much.” Blue says.

 

“I’d miss you, I love everything except classes. Even that feels petty when we’re getting good grades with no effort.” Robin says.

 

“We need to get out and have some fun. I don’t want you to go.” Blue says.

 

“You should transfer too.” Robin says.

 

“No way am I dealing with all that application anxiety all over again.” Blue laughs.

 

“I can’t believe you were anxious.” Robin laughs.

 

“Are you kidding? When you go to a school as small as mine there is zero help with applications. There’s no collective info on a particular college as the chances of someone else having applied in the last 5 years is so low.” Blue says.

 

“You can’t stay just because of hassle to leave.” Robin says.

 

“It’ll get better.” Blue says.

 

“Yeah it might. And if it does we’ve been lucky that we’ve been able to settle in and adjust before it gets hard.” Robin says.

 

“Are you sore from the weekend? You keep rubbing your shoulders.” Blue asks.

 

“Everything is getting sore yes.” Robin laughs.

 

“I’ll massage you later. Or we could go to the hot tub tomorrow.” Blue says.

 

“Now giving up a dorm with a hot tub would be hard.” Robins says.

 

“This food is good. Thanks for inviting me. I really needed to get out.” Blue says.

 

“You’re so fucking adult compared to the rest of us that it’s really hard to see you down.” Robin says.

 

“Hardly. We’re all just different.” Blue says.

 

“I am sweating like crazy.” Robin laughs his ears and cheeks bright red.

 

“You like it?” Blue asks.

 

“I’m not sure I have any taste buds left.” Robin laughs.

 

“Want to do something tomorrow? As we have the day free.” Blue asks.

 

“For sure I don’t want to listen to Spence and Andy fucking all day. Just me and you, we’ll get totally out of town go hiking if it’s not too cold and if it is we’ll head to a mall or something.” Robin says.

 

“Cool. Not too energetic if you wake up unable to move tomorrow.” Blue says.

 

“I’ll be fine.” Robin says.

 

Back at school Jesse and Gervais are hanging out in Jesse’s room. George is at home and Spence and Andy were being loud.

 

“This cannot be over. Everything I did, I did to give us a chance because I believe we have something special. I love you and I wasn’t going to lose you to some loser who was acting like he owned you.” Jesse says.

 

“You know it was never like that. I thought I’d done something wrong when he started avoiding me. Turns out you had, you knew why he was avoiding me and you let me continue to be in pain. If you loved me you wouldn’t want me to be in pain.” Gervais says.

 

“If you loved me, or were on the road to loving me you wouldn’t have felt the loss of him so much. You would have been focused on me, especially as we were just starting out. He takes up way too much of your headspace. I never had a chance, you’re using this as an excuse to break up. You used me.” Jesse says.

 

“So why stay with me? Why push for a relationship that you knew I didn’t want. I was happy with us being a casual thing.” Gervais says.

 

“I wasn’t. I thought if we were exclusive you’d see how good we could be together but even with him totally out the way Blue was this massive shadow over us. You never really committed to really trying. Why didn’t I deserve that? He told me you chose me over him, why?” Jesse asks thoroughly frustrated.

 

“I did choose you. He wanted, wants to be with me but I don’t want him like that. I thought I did want you. And I do like what we had but I need him in my life. If it wasn’t for him I woudn’t have spoken to you, we’d never have been together if he hadn’t pushed me to be social, if he hadn’t created a safe world for me. I need him in my life.” Gervais explains.

 

“And you and he never did anything?” Jesse asks.

 

“We kissed one time, while we were still casual. But I told him we could only ever be friends.” Gervais says.

 

“So what now? If I don’t interfere with your friendship we can carry on?” Jesse asks.

 

“I really don’t think I’m ready to date. I need to work on myself a lot more.” Gervais says.

 

“That is such a cop out. We were doing fine, okay maybe I went too fast, I am crazy about you and want to be with you all the time.” Jesse says.

 

“You’re too possessive. You want more than I can give and it is exhausting but I liked you enough to try. But cutting me off from Blue was a step too far.” Gervais says.

 

“I can work on it. I know I’ve been insecure. If you choose me now I won’t be, I’ll know for sure you really want to be with me. I am worth it and I know you are. I will change for you.” Jesse says.

 

“I don’t know.” Gervais says swayed.

 

“I’ll make an effort with Blue and I won’t object to yoga or anything. Please Gervais, it isn’t like you brought up any of these issues while we were together, you need to give me a chance.” Jesse says.

 

“Give me some time. Some space.” Gervais says.

 

“So you can fuck Blue and decide between us?” Jesse spits.

 

“Fuck you. I’m going back to my room. I’ll call you tomorrow.” Gervais says and leaves.

 

He arrives back at the same time as Blue and Robin.

 

“Did it go okay?” Blue asks.

 

“I told him I need time. He’s so jealous and suffocating.” Gervais says.

 

“But you’re still thinking of taking him back?” Blue asks and Gervais nods.

 

“I don’t get it. You two would be so happy together. Why go through this torture with Jesse when you love Blue?” Robin asks.

 

“I love Blue as a friend. Jesse said he’ll make an effort with you.” Gervais says.

 

“Why not look for someone who likes your best friend?” Robin asks.

 

“Leave me be. I need to decide what I want. Stop judging me.” Gervais says.

 

“I’m proud of you.” Blue says smiling at Gervais.

 

“I’m standing up for myself all over tonight.” Gervais says smiling back at Blue.

 

“Him doing that is not normal. Having a partner who knows how you’re feeling and what you need is the jackpot.” Robin says and walks into his room.

 

“I know you’d be an amazing boyfriend.” Gervais says as Blue move forward to hug him.

 

“And I get that you don’t want this right now. It’s okay, I’m not going to add to the pressure. I want you to be happy and to grow and get well. If you need to talk it through just ask.” Blue says and lets Gervais go.

 

“I know I can count on you. I trust you more than anyone. Just don’t ditch me again without telling me why.” Gervais laughs.

 

“I promise.” Blue says just holding on to his emotions.

 

“Time for my massage.” Robin says as Blue walks in, he’s striped down to his underwear and is lead on a towel.

 

“I’ll just go wash my hands.” Blue says.

 

“How do you see inside his head like that?” Robin asks as Blue starts to work on his back.

 

“Relax. Just relax.” Blue says.

 

“Ah come on. You do it to me too sometimes. Since your crush left, you have amazing powers of anticipation.” Robin says.

 

“Just from learning to read people and not being afraid to call it.” Blue says.

 

“It’s a cool skill. You’re pretty great at massage too. I may fall asleep if I don’t keep talking.” Robin says.

 

“Just relax and if you sleep that’s good. I’ll finish up and let you sleep.” Blue says.

 

“Are you really not going to wait for Gervais?” Robin asks.

 

“If I find someone who actually wants me then sure I’ll date them. But I can’t say I wouldn’t drop them if Gervais finally came around.” Blue says.

 

“I don’t believe you would do that. If you become invested in someone new your feelings for him will decrease.” Robin says.

 

“Maybe. I just feel that if I had a chance to feel the way he can make me feel all the time then I’d be stupid not to take it. Unless the person I was with made me feel that way too.” Blue says.

 

“That makes sense. I just don’t see you actually going through with it if you had that dilemma.” Robin says.

 

“Given I’ve never had a real relationship I just don’t know. I might let any attention go to my head and be a total jerk like you and Andy were recently. I mean you’re a great guy and were from what I hear a terrific boyfriend for 4 years to Jenna, then you just flipped.” Blue says.

 

“That’s true. We knew we wouldn’t last long distance and I think I just sabotaged us to get it over with. However mad I said I was about Spence spilling I was also relieved.” Robin says.

 

“Is she doing okay? Do you still talk?” Blue asks.

 

“We do a little but not much. She is so busy. I don’t even miss her that much now. It is crazy she was the center of my world for so long and now she’s just an ex.” Robin says.

 

The next morning Blue wakes early and meets Gervais on his way to the bathroom.

 

“Yoga time?” Gervais asks.

 

“Yeah, I’m going out with Robin later but I expect he’ll sleep for ages yet.” Blue says.

 

They get back into their rhythm easily, Blue feels so happy to be spending time with his friend again. He can’t believe he stayed away so easily.

 

“What’s on your mind?” Gervais asks as they finish.

 

“Just a bit mad at myself for staying away.” Blue says.

 

“I’m mad at you for that.” Gervais laughs.

 

“You’re getting back with him aren’t you?” Blue guesses.

 

“I think so. He said things that made sense, like I never told him about the things I didn’t like so he didn’t have a chance to change.” Gervais says.

 

“So it isn’t that you’re not ready to date and it is that you don’t want me.” Blue says quietly.

 

“Oh Blue don’t think like that. You know it isn’t like that.” Gervais says.

 

“You won’t be with me because you think I’ll break your heart. But you are happy to break mine.” Blue says walking back into his room.

 

Gervais lies on his bed and reconsiders over and over. But he just can’t make the leap. Jesse will be better this time and Blue will come round soon. He knows Blue will be fine and long term they’re better as friends.

 

“Sorry if I’m not good company today.” Blue says as he gets in the car with Robin.

 

“Don’t worry about it. This weather is shit. What shall we do?” Robin asks.

 

“There is an indoor mini golf place I see advertised on the way to Cheryl’s place. Shall we do that?” Blue asks.

 

“That sounds suitably cheerful. Are you any good?” Robin asks.

 

“I’ve never even seen a golf club in real life.” Blue laughs and Robin joins in.

 

They have a lovely day together, playing mini golf, arcade games and eating junk food. They wander the mall and pick up a few clothes.

 

“Is this weird for you? Having another shopping trip?” Robin asks.

 

“Yes and I love it. I need warmer clothes anyway so I’m really glad we’re here.” Blue says.

 

“Are you going home for thanksgiving?” Robin asks.

 

“No, we never celebrated it and it’s a hassle to get from the airport to home. I’ll go back for winter break. What are your plans?” Blue asks.

 

“I’ll go home, big family dinner. You’re more than welcome to come.” Robin says.

 

“Thanks but I’ll be fine at school. I’ll probably help Cheryl out for the day, she does some waifs and strays lunch deal. I expect I’ll be wrangling kids.” Blue says.

 

“Probably best. You’d only be able to eat the mashed potatoes at our house, all the vegetable dishes have meat in and you’d be staring a deep fried turkey in the face all afternoon.” Robin laughs.

 

“I feel like an alien sometimes, never experiencing any of these traditional occasions. One day I’d like to see what it’s like to have Christmas or something with a family.” Blue says quietly.

 

“You’ve never done any of it?” Robin asks and Blue shrugs. “I was joking about the food my family would love to have you, do think about it.”

 

“Thanks but it is all part of the dream isn’t it, to share those events with the one I love. You’re great but when I meet someone’s family I want it to be because I’m part of that family.” Blue says.

 

“I’m glad you still have those dreams given your setbacks.” Robin says.

 

“I had given up when I went for the fake relationship with John. I know how stupid that sounds given I’m 18. It’s just that date with him was yet another date with a guy who didn’t want me. Not that I was super in to him but I don’t know I guess my ego was out of control before I got here. I thought it would be so easy to find someone. I didn’t contemplate so much rejection. Given I had no options at home I didn’t expect everyone to be so picky, including me.” Blue says.

 

“Don’t be so hard on yourself babe. We all think college is going to be sex on tap and it is for some. But you’re not after that you are after someone who means more and because you had that crush on me and although I didn’t feel the same it gave you an idea of what you could feel. Then with Gervais everything creeped up on you and you were suddenly totally in love and now it is going to be a lot harder to find anything that measures up to that.” Robin says.

 

“For sure. I’m not going to be able to just hookup with anyone. Not yet, I really do want to hold out for something real. But how do I get over him and find someone new before dying of loneliness?” Blue asks.

 

“You’ll keep busy like you have been. You have to be prepared that it might not happen for years. You’re going to have to spend time with guys who mean less to you, like you said weeks ago you don’t really know your type, you like small guys like me and Gervais but when you actually get in bed that might change.” Robin says.

 

“I get it. I need to stay open to anyone.” Blue says.

 

“Avoid the douchebags if you can.” Robin laughs.

 

 

Give it to me

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